Advice for the Relationship-Challenged

Anyone have any?

You thought you were going to read some pithy insight into the ins and outs of the wild world of dating. Unfortunately, not today, my friend. Unless you go to another blog after this and read something there... And if you do, please come back and post that link in a comment here... Thank you.

On the eve of turning 30 this year, I constantly find myself wrestling with my singleness. Currently, it is self-induced, since I broke up with my last girlfriend and seemingly broke her heart. Especially near the end, I was horrible at communicating the doubts I wrestled with that I didn't even realize were doubts. I just kept trying to "work at it" and assumed my doubts were failings in me that I needed to overcome. Nevertheless, I am single as I approach 30.

That's not a bad thing. I know many people have probably gotten married much later than thirty. I'm pretty sure, statistically, the average age that people get married nowadays is much closer to thirty than I realize. Knowing those things doesn't assuage the subtle fears and anxieties associated with being single at a fairly decent-sized milestone in life. And my problem is less about the specifics of being married by the time I'm 30 or anything like that. It is that, as I approach this milestone, which for so many seems a point of stability, maturity and growth, I am faced with the glaring reality that I suck at dating. Many might encourage me to "get back up on the horse", etc. but that's my problem. After falling off so many horses, getting trampled on by so many horses and breaking so many horses' hearts, a deep fear of horses has crept in...

There's a lot of fear and hopelessness in my heart, I have to confess. It's not really rooted in an incorrect and destructive self-image, but in the absence of help. No one ever instructed, encouraged, walked with me through the process of dating, back when it is normal and okay for it to be awkward and clumsy. You're supposed to figure that stuff out in junior-high and high school, not at 30, you know? And now, how do I figure that out? How do I avoid all the things that ran girls off, with words of, "You're a wonderful guy, but..."? How do I avoid all the heartache and heart-breaking? I know some people would say that's just part of the process of loving someone. I understand that, but unfortunately, when you keep trying something on your own and keep failing and being deeply hurt by it and hurting others, and there's no one to show you how to do it correctly, it's nearly impossible for that desire to stay alive. That risk seems natural and makes sense, rationally. But to ask your heart to keep risking, in the face of a long history of failed relationships and heartbreak?

I haven't gone over the edge of giving up yet. I'm just trying to be honest with myself about where my fears are coming from. I'm almost thirty and I'm afraid of dating, because it has never gone well so far. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I feel like, in the rest of my life, I am growing and learning and stepping into a life of victory, freedom and passion. It's exciting and encouraging to my spirit. And then there's this little corner called romantic relationships... the dark hole of my life.

So, how do I ... I don't even know what to ask when it comes to this. The Bible is silent on how to date. It's a cultural phenomenon that didn't exist back then. My parents did get me two books on relationships for Christmas this past year, after breaking up with my girlfriend... I think they are starting to worry! =) Most of the content in the books dealt with how to help a relationship grow and stay healthy. I seem to have issues beginning a relationship. And, thankfully, I have had a revelation of sorts, that I have consistently gotten into relationships where I sensed that there was already interest on the girls' part, so there was no threat of rejection. That was a light bulb going on, because I think that became the seed of doubt in my mind, "Is this what I really wanted?" That thought caused such guilt and confusion. But it was all rooted in being hurt and rejected so much when I was younger, that I stopped pursuing the girls I liked and just kinda waited and responded to girls that expressed interest in me... I hate to admit that, because it seems so cowardly and passive. But call it what it is. Thankfully, that's in the past and I can see that pattern in my life very clearly. God willing, I will have open eyes not to repeat those mistakes again...

So, to conclude this personal foray into my deep fears associated with dating, I will end with this. I do want to get married. I'm not totally freaked out that I'm turning 30 and still single. I am wrestling with how to overcome the deep fears and resignation. I could use some help, though I'm not sure where it will come from. It's humbling, very humbling, to admit I feel awkward, clumsy and ignorant about the basics of working up the courage to ask a girl out or what to talk about on those early dates when you're just getting to know each other. I just don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. And in the meantime, I'm going to keep pursuing a deeper experience/relationship with God and seek to keep growing as a person and becoming more like Jesus. And trust that God will help me work through all these dating fears soon... I mean, come on, I'm almost thirty, God! Times running out!