Vacation

This only relates to over-thinking in how it will hopefully give me some much needed rest mentally.

I'm going to go on a vacation. By myself.

Not sure where yet. I am single and it is difficult to coordinate work schedules with friends and all that. I'm starting to think that it would do me some good to get away by myself, with some books and my journals and some beautiful scenery, perhaps a vacant beach or log cabin, and do some soul-searching.

Any suggestions of places that I could go? Preferably somewhere I could get to within an 8-hour drive or so from Maryland?

Beautiful Skies

Another sky picture from my phone... Should I not post these?

Why John Piper Doesn't Watch TV and Rarely Goes to Movies

"I have a high tolerance for violence, high tolerance for bad language, and zero tolerance for nudity. There is a reason for these differences. The violence is make-believe. They don’t really mean those bad words. But that lady is really naked, and I am really watching. And somewhere she has a brokenhearted father."

This quote is from the most recent email mailing from Desiring God, in which John Piper responded to a question of why he doesn't watch t.v. and rarely watches movies. His answer was much longer, and included other reasons. But this quote leapt off the page at me. It is the direction my heart has been going lately. I am finding more and more aversion to watching any nudity or sexual content in movies. (I don't watch TV on a regular basis, except for The Office or on DVD, like Arrested Development, LOST or Heroes). Violence doesn't bother me, because like Piper said, it isn't real and it doesn't make me want to go crash a car into a helicopter or stab someone with a katana. "Language" doesn't bother me either, because it's all around us. It is just words. Someone can say the "f-word" as an adjective about how unbelievably cool something is (or they could have just said how unbelievably cool it was...) and it doesn't bother me, but if someone calls someone else fat or ugly... THAT bothers me. It is all about the intention behind what is spoken. The word might hold vulgar connotations, and I can understand that, but on the whole, language is just words, and I'm not tempted to say something derogatory about someone else when I hear bad language.

But Piper's quote is money. Nudity and sex affect men in ways that those other things don't. I like how straight-forward Piper is about it: "But that lady is really naked, and I am really watching." It is sad that our culture is so blinded to the power of sex and the beauty of women. I think it is good for us, as Christians, to really consider what we watch and evaluate its benefit to us spiritually. I have found over the course of the past couple of years especially, that it is easier to walk with a clear conscience if I avoid putting that kind of stuff in front of my eyes.

Blue Skies

Another sky photo from yesterday's commute.

Sunsets On Commutes

I like to take pictures of the sky on my commute home from work. something about the sky makes me feel small, but loved by God.

Two Roads Diverged...

I question whether I should post when I am discouraged by my over-thinking. It is a particular weakness of mine, to let my thoughts spiral downward when I can't seem to come to a conclusion or decision. I am not prone to spontaneity, I confess. I tend to think a decision to death. I think this is partly due to an underlying hope (read: delusion) that if I wait long enough, the decision will make itself. It does. And the decision is usually extremely painful and I gain nothing from it because I neglected to make a decision.

I've learned this lesson the hard way.

I'm facing some decisions in my life right now that are difficult. They pertain to two areas of my life, in the words of Dashboard Confessional, the places I have come to fear the most.

Conflict and dating.

I am afraid of conflict, because... well, for a lot of reasons. The most spiritual answer, which inevitably remains most true, is that I am more concerned with what other people think of me than of what God thinks. I'm not being too hard on myself when I say this. I am just being practical. The friendships I have and the illusion that everyone likes me tend to guide my decisions more than a deep sense of God's presence in my life and having the integrity to be myself, regardless of the consequences. "Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it" has become a paraphrased quote-turned-mantra that I wish I lived out more consistently. Too often I water myself down, to avoid an argument or misunderstanding. I need to stop this. I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but I can see its devastating effects in my past very clearly. There are other reasons that I'm afraid of conflict, such as it makes me react to emotions rather than ideas, and that's not something I'm good at. I'm sure there are more beyond that, but I can tell the deepest reason is people are much more real to me than God is at times. I suppose that's probably normal.

And I am afraid of dating, because my experiences with dating have left me utterly confused about... just about everything relating to dating. My over-thinking leads me to doubt things and sometimes I can't really tell if I like a girl. That causes a lot of guilt and shame, and then consequently, tends to break girls' hearts when that honesty finally comes out. I am afraid of rejection, but who isn't? I realize that for a long time, I have gravitated towards girls that have shown some interest in me, because the fear of rejection was less of a threat. Instead of initiating relationships, I have responded to them, setting the stage for a losing game of emotional catch-up. I'm glad I can see that now, though it is not without deep regret for the pain I've caused. For me to like a girl, without regard or knowledge of her feelings towards me, and to initiate and pursue her, to put myself out there and express my interest... That is what needs to happen and hasn't happened for a long, long time.* I think that, unless I step up and initiate, I will always fight against the question in my head, "Is this what I really wanted?" I won't go down that path again. So, having repented of that mindset, I have to take the other fork in the proverbial road and consider initiating a relationship. Asking a girl out. And that is beset with all sorts of questions, because it's been so long since I've actually done that. It sounds so embarrassing to confess. And I can tell, it's just one of those things that you have to (excuse me, ladies) grow a pair and ask her out. There's no short-cut to building confidence in this area. There just isn't.

The lyrics to one of the most recent songs I've written are really challenging me lately:

"If you take to flight, there's nowhere you can hide. If you wait to fight, you had your chance. You will not last the night."

I've tried running from conflict, and running from my heart when it gets excited and interested in a girl. I've tried putting off conflict or putting off taking a step in terms of asking a girl out. Neither path has worked so far in my life.

So, I am at another fork in the road. Ol' Robert Frost really captured life well in that poem of his. If I cave in and refuse to face challenges, speak truth, knowingly enter necessary conflict, or express interest in a girl, I will potentially shut down something good in me for an indeterminate amount of time. Or, I can stop putting off change, embrace the awkward, risky stretching process and take the reigns of my life back and head towards love and freedom.

When I put it that way, it sounds really idiotic of me to do anything other than the second option.

Love Hopes All Things

What does it mean to love someone?

I'm talking about what Jesus meant by, "They will know you are My disciples, by the way you love each other." Is it simply being nice to each other? I know it's more than that. Everyone, regardless of their faith background, cares about those who are nice to them. Is love forgiving the inevitable offenses and pain people will cause us? I think that's part of it.

I think a part of it that I haven't been as aware of is that of hope. If I love someone, I give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope for their best. I have hope that they can and will become better than they currently are. I don't write them off. I don't check out of their lives and let someone else deal with it. Love stays. Love risks getting hurt. Love engages. Love gets messy and won't quit, because it sees beyond the circumstances. It sees hope. "Love hopes all things." I think I am learning that lately. That line from 1 Corinthians 13 stands out in a new way to me.

It is easier to disengage from people when they hurt us. We can say we forgive them, but we take back any piece of ourselves that could get hurt again. I guess I'm starting to question the value of that. I want to be marked by intentional, sacrificial love... And that means seeing the hope in the people around me, that God is working in all of our lives and bringing us closer to Him. He is pruning us, whittling away the dark pieces. And if I can see that hope, then I can stay involved in the people in my life, even if it gets a little rocky at times. And that presence, choosing to stay, when everyone else in that person's life may be checking out, is showing them how God stays with us, when everyone else abandons us. I want people to know the love of God like I have been experiencing more lately... and I think that requires me to live the way Jesus did. Jesus promised that He would never leave or forsake us. He said He won't abandon us. So I think that's an important part of what it means to love each other and show that we are His disciples. As Christians, we are imitators and mimickers of Jesus.

Love sees the hope of a bright future and sticks around, through the hard times, to see it come to pass.

Advice for the Relationship-Challenged

Anyone have any?

You thought you were going to read some pithy insight into the ins and outs of the wild world of dating. Unfortunately, not today, my friend. Unless you go to another blog after this and read something there... And if you do, please come back and post that link in a comment here... Thank you.

On the eve of turning 30 this year, I constantly find myself wrestling with my singleness. Currently, it is self-induced, since I broke up with my last girlfriend and seemingly broke her heart. Especially near the end, I was horrible at communicating the doubts I wrestled with that I didn't even realize were doubts. I just kept trying to "work at it" and assumed my doubts were failings in me that I needed to overcome. Nevertheless, I am single as I approach 30.

That's not a bad thing. I know many people have probably gotten married much later than thirty. I'm pretty sure, statistically, the average age that people get married nowadays is much closer to thirty than I realize. Knowing those things doesn't assuage the subtle fears and anxieties associated with being single at a fairly decent-sized milestone in life. And my problem is less about the specifics of being married by the time I'm 30 or anything like that. It is that, as I approach this milestone, which for so many seems a point of stability, maturity and growth, I am faced with the glaring reality that I suck at dating. Many might encourage me to "get back up on the horse", etc. but that's my problem. After falling off so many horses, getting trampled on by so many horses and breaking so many horses' hearts, a deep fear of horses has crept in...

There's a lot of fear and hopelessness in my heart, I have to confess. It's not really rooted in an incorrect and destructive self-image, but in the absence of help. No one ever instructed, encouraged, walked with me through the process of dating, back when it is normal and okay for it to be awkward and clumsy. You're supposed to figure that stuff out in junior-high and high school, not at 30, you know? And now, how do I figure that out? How do I avoid all the things that ran girls off, with words of, "You're a wonderful guy, but..."? How do I avoid all the heartache and heart-breaking? I know some people would say that's just part of the process of loving someone. I understand that, but unfortunately, when you keep trying something on your own and keep failing and being deeply hurt by it and hurting others, and there's no one to show you how to do it correctly, it's nearly impossible for that desire to stay alive. That risk seems natural and makes sense, rationally. But to ask your heart to keep risking, in the face of a long history of failed relationships and heartbreak?

I haven't gone over the edge of giving up yet. I'm just trying to be honest with myself about where my fears are coming from. I'm almost thirty and I'm afraid of dating, because it has never gone well so far. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I feel like, in the rest of my life, I am growing and learning and stepping into a life of victory, freedom and passion. It's exciting and encouraging to my spirit. And then there's this little corner called romantic relationships... the dark hole of my life.

So, how do I ... I don't even know what to ask when it comes to this. The Bible is silent on how to date. It's a cultural phenomenon that didn't exist back then. My parents did get me two books on relationships for Christmas this past year, after breaking up with my girlfriend... I think they are starting to worry! =) Most of the content in the books dealt with how to help a relationship grow and stay healthy. I seem to have issues beginning a relationship. And, thankfully, I have had a revelation of sorts, that I have consistently gotten into relationships where I sensed that there was already interest on the girls' part, so there was no threat of rejection. That was a light bulb going on, because I think that became the seed of doubt in my mind, "Is this what I really wanted?" That thought caused such guilt and confusion. But it was all rooted in being hurt and rejected so much when I was younger, that I stopped pursuing the girls I liked and just kinda waited and responded to girls that expressed interest in me... I hate to admit that, because it seems so cowardly and passive. But call it what it is. Thankfully, that's in the past and I can see that pattern in my life very clearly. God willing, I will have open eyes not to repeat those mistakes again...

So, to conclude this personal foray into my deep fears associated with dating, I will end with this. I do want to get married. I'm not totally freaked out that I'm turning 30 and still single. I am wrestling with how to overcome the deep fears and resignation. I could use some help, though I'm not sure where it will come from. It's humbling, very humbling, to admit I feel awkward, clumsy and ignorant about the basics of working up the courage to ask a girl out or what to talk about on those early dates when you're just getting to know each other. I just don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. And in the meantime, I'm going to keep pursuing a deeper experience/relationship with God and seek to keep growing as a person and becoming more like Jesus. And trust that God will help me work through all these dating fears soon... I mean, come on, I'm almost thirty, God! Times running out!

The Power of Words

I think it's safe to say we all understand, through experience, the power words can have. If we are honest, though, we would all have to admit that we are more careless with our words than we realize. Most of us have experienced the devastating effect of words spoken without thought or with malicious intent. We bear the scars under the surface and can think back to something seemingly innocuous to an outsider, but carries deep pain for us. Careless or evil words can devastate with consequences that last years beyond their speaking.

The opposite, thankfully, is also true.

I've done some things in my life that I have deep regrets about. The way we treat people, the things we've done, the words we've said can heap such a burden of guilt and shame, chaining us to a view of ourselves that is powerful, hopeless and untrue. Even if we can mentally agree that those things might not be true, we can still feel the weight of them. And I don't think I'm alone in this. An awesome post I read recently gave a good example of how we label and categorize ourselves, often very unhealthily (is that a word?). I know for myself, I have identified myself by past mistakes and regrets, rather than by the person I am today. Who I am has been over-shadowed by things I've done. This creates such an insecurity and feeling of inadequacy that is damn near unshakable.

Enter the power of kind, honest words.

I had a conversation this weekend with a good friend I used to live with. He's an awesome dad of two really cool daughters. As we were talking about these things, he said something to the effect of:

"Michael, I'd rather have my girls marry a guy who has done the things you've done, and has the character and heart that you have, than have them marry a guy who hasn't done the things you've done, but lacks the character and heart that you have."

He is a close friend that I trust and respect, who is a little further along the journey than I am. He's a good example of a lot of things to me. And he was just being honest with me as we were discussing things. I don't think he had any idea the power of what he said and its ability to heal and transform. A man I trust and respect told me that I am a good man, and that despite some of the mistakes I've made, he would hope for his daughters to marry someone like me.

I felt the chains falling off as we kept talking and driving home.

Choose your words wisely. And look for opportunities to speak true, good things to the people around you. Affirm who they are. Tell them about the good things that you see in them. We all make mistakes and fail and mess up—we don't need people around us to heap more shame on us for what we already know didn't measure up. You, whoever you are, have a great influence on the people around you, whether you realize it or not. You don't know how much someone might respect you, or for how long they have lived their lives without an honest, kind word spoken about them. Be on the lookout. We need each other. I am starting to believe more and more that there really is a devil, an evil being that is intent on stealing our joy, destroying our families and friendships and marriages, killing our desires. I know that's not a politically correct or intellectually applauded concept, but there is more evil in this world than what we fallen humans are committing... And, in some way, when we speak evil of each other, with impatience, frustration or apathy, we are giving the devil ammunition to use, to scar and imprison each other. Let's stop using our words so carelessly and start watching for ways to speak life and healing and confidence into each other's lives. I have deeply experienced the power and freedom that words said in love can bring. I'm floored by how one sentence can begin to undo and unravel years of self-contempt and resignation. And when we speak those truths to each other, we are speaking the words of Jesus to each other. We become the hands and feet and mouth of God to personally communicate to each other the things God sees in us.

I hope God communicates with you today of how special you are to Him. It might be in a conversation or in the words of a book or some other way. And as you feel and know God wants to rescue you and restore you, because of His great love for you and His desire for you to be all that you've been created to be, you seek to communicate to the people around you that they have that same worth and value.

Emotional Healing

This article was really good.

It's got me asking some questions... How do we heal from the emotional wounds we've experienced over the course of our lives? Can we heal ourselves through self-help books and positive thinking or something? I tend to lean towards the fact we don't really have that ability, otherwise, I think there'd be a lot more whole, mended people walking around. I mostly see people limping along, doing their best to make it by. They've gotten good at keeping their pain in the dark corners and avoiding situations that might expose the scars and pain. I can see it others, because I know it in my own heart...

So how do we receive healing? It seems like healing is not something we do for ourselves, but something we receive from someone who has the ability to fix what's been broken, to find what's been lost. There are deep emotional scars that are still influencing the way I live on a daily basis. Whether it is avoiding conflict or insecurity over what I look like, I know that there is deep healing that needs to take place. And I also know that Jesus came for just that: to bind up the broken-hearted, to set the captives free, to seek and to save that which was lost.

Maybe healing starts with surrendering our pride and self-reliance, and being humble, bold and honest in our response to Jesus, who is asking us the same question He asked a blind man, in the book of Mark, chapter 10:

"What do you want me to do for you?"

Jesus, I want my heart to be fixed, healed, comforted, restored, strengthened...

When We Don't Feel Like Worshipping

I just read this awesome post on the Circle of Hope's site. Check it out - very convicting.

As one of the "worship leaders" at Horizon Church, it's really easy to spend so much energy on getting the music down, since I don't consider myself an extremely talented musician. I don't want my weaknesses to cause any distraction from what worship is supposed to be about... but if I am focused on that—I'm already forgetting what worship is about!

Worship is acknowledging the greatness of who God is and adoring Him for it.

Anyway, it was a great post—it's worth your time.

God Delights In You

"...the utter delight of a loving God who is deeply touched that, in the brouhaha of your busy life, you would devote even five minutes to spiritual reading."

- Brennan Manning, the furious longing of God

What is your reaction to this statement?

I'll be honest, my first reaction was disbelief and a little shock. That seems arrogant on our part. Our 'busy life'? That makes God seem needy, as if we are doing Him a favor by spending time with Him.

I mean, He's the God of the universe, isn't He? He deserves my every second, every moment, every emotion, every energy. He deserves my entire being, right? So anything less is sinful and pale, compared to how completely He is worthy of everything I have and am. Right? God expects 100%, doesn't He? And if He does, how could I even suggest that God is somehow happy with the crumbs I throw Him?

What if that is partially true, but that God wants us to love Him? What if, God has humbled Himself and doesn't force Himself on us at all. What if He has made Himself very vulnerable? What if He waits, patiently, expectantly, longing for time with us, like a love-sick companion, glued to the phone, waiting to hear from us? To communicate with us? To hear how we are doing? To share secrets and lean on Him? Not that He needs us, or is incomplete without us, but that He knows us and genuinely enjoys the person we are? What if He likes us?

Sometimes I think we've sterilized the world "love" in our version of Christianity. Most people, I imagine, when they hear that God loves them, aren't really affected much. "God is Love." That's what God's supposed to do. He loves us and so He sent His son to die for our sins. While that is critically true, I do think it is hard to relate to. Not many of us have had someone die in our place, nor have we laid down our physical life for someone else (if you did, you aren't ready this blog anymore...). Does that make sense? We understand the depth of that kind of sacrifice of love, but we don't associate with that or experience that on a daily basis. We are more familiar with the "honest, well-timed smile from a friend" or a long embrace. We feel loved with a touch here, or a conversation there. A gift, or an act of service done for us. And I think we need to be reminded that it is God who designed us to experience love in these ways and that He desires to show us love in the same way. I understand it will be different, because God is spirit... But how creative He is! If only we would believe that is His intention for us, we would have open eyes, like excited children, watching the world around us for His words to us, His favor and delight in us. Of course, Christ's death on the cross for us is the foundation, culmination and ultimate demostration of God's settled love for us. That creates the bedrock upon which our faith can rest, when our emotions are all over the place, life gets cloudy and painful and we don't feel loved. Knowing that, how much more does God desire to express love to us in personal, intimate ways, because we are uniquely special to Him? If God did not spare His Son, how much more will He give those good gifts of personal care and attention and love to us in our daily lives, if we would just have open eyes/hearts to it?

I have only read a small portion of this book so far, but I'm really enjoying it so far...

What Does the World Need?

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

This is such a great quote. I wonder what it would look like if we felt that freedom. Too often we operate out of the ought to rather than the want to. Sadly, this translates over into Christianity, too, only with a deceptively misleading motivation of "surrender" and "denying ourselves". Let me explain what I mean. I know Jesus did say, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." I think we need to look into that more, because a mere surface-level evaluation of that does not do it justice and is slightly illogical. We simply can't "deny" ourselves the basically necessities of life. If we deny ourselves food and water, we will die. And if we're dead, we can't take up our cross and follow Jesus. So to be wise, faithful students of God's word, we have dig deeper and ask what that phrase really means and/or how to live it. I don't know Greek or anything like that, so I can only make observations. I don't think it means that what we want is bad and evil and needs to be denied. It may seem trivial, but I think it is very important to note that distinction. Otherwise, as Christians, we can read Thurman's quote and dismiss it as a neat pearl of worldly wisdom or an unreasonable ideal. And we do that, we imprison ourselves in a castle of duty and obligation, sucking the life out of the gospel and making our testimony impotent. There is no life or joy or hope in that place. So we need to find the balance of willing surrender—acknowledging our limitations and operating out of trust in our King—and stepping into the fullness of the person God has created us to be.

He delights in us and He created us uniquely for His purposes, to be productive and creative and loving. We are quirky and awkward and beautiful and we make the heart of God smile. That is good news to a culture so bent on false identities, insecurity, posturing and peer validation. God loves and accepts and likes us as we are. So as we let that reality sink in, and receive that attentive, life-giving love from God, our light will shine and the people around us will see a freedom that is foreign to them.

So what makes you come alive? The desires you have were given by God. You and I have the potential to contribute to this world and His kingdom in a unique way. We have a role in this Story that no one else can fill. I don't know all the people you know, so I'll never be able to affect them the way you can. And with God's Spirit making His home in our hearts, with Christ living His life in us, we can walk with Him in freedom and and our lives will be full of true life, not duty or obligation.

What makes you come alive?

Perseverance and Salvation

Hebrews 3:12-14 has got me thinking. I don't understand this section of scripture...

While I was at Cedarville, I studied the whole concept of "eternal security" in depth with a friend. The idea of "once saved, always saved" was taught to me in the Baptist church, while my friend was taught the opposite in her Nazarene church. So, after a couple of months of really digging through the Bible, checking with commentaries, comparing verses and trying to get a holistic picture of salvation, we realized it was an enormous under-taking! Salvation as described in the Bible is not a black-and-white, simple concept... As we studied it, it became apparent that so many aspects of salvation that we were considering deserved studies of their own... But I digress. Despite uncovering the need for way more searching into various words and concepts that pertain to salvation (sin, grace, faith, righteousness, justification, sanctification, calling, election, etc.), I really came to a solid conclusion, on my own, that our salvation IS eternally secure. What I mean by that is that God is the author of our salvation and that it is a gift of grace from Him. He saves us. He gives that to us. Once we receive it, which takes God-given faith, we can't lose it through anything we do, since it wasn't earned based on anything we've done in the first place. There's way more to it than that, of course, and I don't know where those notes are! There were some tricky passages though, and most of them were found in Hebrews. Specifically, chapters 3 and 6.

So, we've started studying the book of Hebrews in our small group at church. Not an easy under-taking! We read chapter 3 this week and it churned up all these thoughts...

I do believe that our salvation is eternally secure, in that, it is solely rooted in God's grace and kindness and mercy towards us—we simply are receiving it. That makes sense in my mind and I don't have a lot of fuzziness there. However, it begs the question of what to do with these passages and verses, such as "For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end." IF? So we lose our share in Christ if we lose our confidence in this faith? I don't understand this...

The best I can guess is that our salvation is a present tense thing. What I mean by that is... God is a God of the present (as He references Himself in the Old Testament to Moses as "I am that I am"). And this makes me think of salvation in the present. I don't know if this is making sense, but I'm trying to remain coherent. This is how I'm thinking about salvation these days—less about what theological facts we believe, and more about what we know of God. And I mean really know about God. Jesus said, "This is eternal life: that you know Me." Not just knowing about God, but knowing Him and being affected by Him. I'm convinced, due to life experience and an amazing Intro to Philosophy class at Cedarville University I took awhile back, that what we do in our lives is a direct result of what we truly believe. Stick with me. I can say God is the most important Person in my life and I live for Him alone, but if I am kinda hesitant to say I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, because it might make a situation awkward, then more true than my belief in God is my belief that validation from my peers is paramount. Nothing I say I believe can outweigh my actions. I believe this is what James is referring to when he said faith without works is dead. It's illogical and irrational. If I trust someone, I confide in them and make myself vulnerable to them. If I don't trust them, no matter what I say or how friendly I may treat them, I am not going to be vulnerable. (So, right now, you might be wondering... how does this relate to salvation being a "present-tense" thing? I'm trying to make that segway... This brain of mine, sometimes I don't know...)

Salvation is not about saying a prayer. That is one of the gravest failings of the modern evangelical world that I see. We've created this environment where someone can feel guilty or afraid of hell or whatever and they say a prayer and think they have fire-insurance. We, as a stereotype, have fallen victim to seeking converts, rather than making disciples. And unfortunately, this has really given the "eternal security" issue way more controversy than it should really warrant. Faith, as God describes it, will produce fruit and works. And that's where it ties back in to what I was typing earlier, about our truest beliefs. If we truly believe in the amazing mercy that God has shown us, and His Spirit has made us alive and new on the inside, the depth of gratitude and surrender will transform us and begin in us something lasting. And we will begin the lifelong journey of being God's children—followers, students, disciples of Jesus Christ. God will be our love and we will want to be close to Him and be with Him for eternity and shun anything and everything that might threaten to distract us from our intimacy with Him. That's where the idea of "once saved, always saved" starts to lose relevance. If you said a prayer when you were six, and now cannot say with integrity (based on how you are actually living) that you love God and are daily communing with Him and receiving His love and seeking to share that love with others, then maybe you weren't ever saved? Let me make this clear—I can't judge anyone's heart at all. That's crucial to me. I'm not saying if you "got saved" at a young age that it didn't count or that your salvation is based on a certain output of behaviors. It truly is a journey and there are seasons of darkness and wondering and doubts. But, for myself, I can't reconcile these thoughts... Going to heaven means being with the God who sacrificed His Son for me and anything beyond that is just a bonus. So, if, by the way I'm living, I don't actually want to be close to God, evidenced by avoiding sin and anything that would cause a rift in our friendship, how could I cling to some prayer that I said years ago simply to avoid hell...?

I don't know if that was coherent. I am learning that true faith produces fruit. But I'm also learning that life is rarely black and white and I'm also learning that God's wisdom is far superior to my finite mind and that His mercy is probably profoundly deeper than I can dare to imagine. So I won't speculate who is or who isn't going to end up in heaven. I won't pretend to understand these passages like Hebrews 3 and 6. But I will say with as much confidence and authority as I can, based on what I've learned so far, that salvation is God's grace upon us, and that if we truly grasp that, through the quickening of God's Spirit, our lives will bear fruit of that new life and intimacy with Jesus Christ.

This post feels like it is very scatter-brained. I apologize!

Three Decades (part 2)

This post is probably going to be fairly personal. Just warning you!

Part of the heightened emotions surrounding the end of my twenties comes due to being single. I'll just be honest about that. But before you simply check out or stop reading, let me qualify where those thoughts are coming from. To my chagrin, I've definitely allowed myself, in some measure, to define myself by my "singleness" and I realize that's not healthy. At all. Our culture has done a bang-up job of insinuating that a relationship will make us happy. And I'm sure it will! But the insidious part is that the converse (...inverse?) of that has also been whispered to our hearts, "Without a relationship, you'll never be truly happy." So we attempt to be composed and confident, while beneath the surface, we live with a haunting desperation of finding someone to make us happy. And so long as we allow that mentality to make its home in our hearts, I don't think we will ever be truly happy. I know I've believed and lived with this—not consciously, of course! I would never admit to agreeing with this mentality. But, actions speak louder than words and what we DO reflects what we actually BELIEVE.

And so I have to confess my idolatry. I've made an idol out of being married. God wants what's best for us... and that's Him. He knows I want to get married and enjoy all that comes with that, but if that is more important to me than being close to the heart of God, then something has begun a dangerous shift. No marriage is perfect and no human is strong enough or faithful enough to warrant the full weight of our hope. Only God can bear that. I feel like I'm just learning this, so I can't say I've arrived. But I'm seeing how quickly my emotions can get the best of me as I let a disappointment here or a lonely thought there begin to suggest that I need to do something about this singleness. Instead of enjoying the heart of God my Father, His love for me and this gift of life, I start clawing and scheming and fretting over whether I'll ever get married. And as soon as I take my eyes of Jesus in that sense, the subtle lies and accusations start streaming in. You'll never find someone. You're awkward and inadequate. Your heart will get broken, it's not worth it. It doesn't matter what you try, you'll screw it up. Look at all the hurt you've caused girls over the years. And like a forest fire unrestrained, those thoughts will get the better of me. All because I let my source of hope shift from a faithful, loving God to the potential circumstance of being married.

In the past few days, some cracks have formed and I let some of those lies start creeping in. Thankfully, through some blunt, but encouraging, conversation, I was yanked up to the surface with the reminder to find my hope in God. Is that just Christian mumbo-jumbo? I don't think so. I don't need to neglect my desires. God knows my heart. But He also knows that He can be faithful to me in a way that no human relationship will be able to. And that's why I was created for. So, single or not, I want to learn to find peace and joy and love in God and the person He's made me to be and the life He's given me to live. He knows my heart's desire to find and share the love between a husband and a wife. Part of this whole thing is to trust God's heart, as a good Father, and put my hope in Him, rather than in my attempts at controlling and striving to find a wife, etc. There's a whole slew of character traits and fears and wounds and insecurities that I know I still need to work through, so even though I'll be thirty soon, I am taking my hands off this. That's not neglecting or ignoring the desires. I'm just simply surrendering the angst and the desperation.

We only have the present. I don't want to miss out on the things going on around me because I'm pining away for something in an uncertain future. I don't know if it's a matter of "It'll come to you when you're ready" or "When you are content with being single, then God will bring her your way" or any of that cliché cow dung, but I know that God loves us and our greatest joy and deepest need is to find our satisfaction and joy in Him, and trust that He will give us the other good gifts when the time is best. I know marriage isn't easy. I'm sure it's that much harder if we come to it with our deepest hopes riding on the marriage to make us happy. If instead, we come to it with gratitude and humility, rather than entitlement and idolatry, we will be able to enjoy and serve and forgive our spouse with so much freedom and life, because our sense of identity and our happiness is not riding on how the other person makes us feel.

Who knows! I'm not married, so I can't speak with too much authority on this, but nevertheless, it is deeply restful to back off and re-center my thoughts. The reminder to put my hope in God, not marriage, was perfectly timed. Life has so much to offer and we all have so much to give. If we buy into our culture's lie that we are second-class people so long as we are single, we will miss out on so much. I'm not pretending marriage doesn't sound wonderful, with the companionship, intimacy, sex, friendship and all that, but I won't let that deceive me into thinking that without it, life can't be full. Jesus said He came to give us abundant life... and He didn't follow that up by announcing www.kingdommatchup.com or something. Full and satisfying life is found in Him. I'm gonna start there. If marriage is down the road, I think I'll be able to appreciate it much more if I'm already coming from a place of deep contentment and fulfillment. I'll be able to give from a deep well, rather than clinging and taking...

30, you don't scare me none.

Three Decades (part 1)

I turn 30 this year. In 4 months and 3 days. That sounds weird to say it like that, as if I've been keeping a countdown. I haven't, I swear! I only listed that down to the day, because today is June 1st and my birthday is October 4th. After counting off July, August, September and October on my fingers, it was pretty easy to just add the "3 days" to the end of that. I digress...

30 is one of those big milestone years. I won't be a 20-something anymore. It was weird to progress up through the twenties. Hitting 24 and feeling the weight of entering the post-college "mid-twenties", hitting the "late-twenties" at 27 and seeing 30 crest the horizon, thinking to myself, "Where the hell did you come from?!" And now, I've got four months and three days before my twenties become a piece of nostalgia.

How do people navigate these decade markers? I wouldn't say I'm scared to turn thirty. Honestly, on the inside, I don't feel much different than when I was 20. I'm still figuring out who I am. I'm still asking a lot of the same questions, though lately they are more refined and specific... and pressing. There's an urgency to the thoughts and questions, spurred on by a deep desire not to waste this life. But aside from the intensified questions, I am surprised by how little feels different. I know our character grows and deepens, and that is often hard for us to detect those subtle changes. I know they are there. The experiences we go through are constantly shaping us, and I believe God is constantly whittling away at our false identities and walls and charades to get to our hearts and make us look like Jesus. He's promised that He won't quit on us. He won't back out when it is difficult and He won't leave us on our own to figure it out. I'm thankful for that, and I'm deeply grateful that I can see that now, on the brink of 30. I have a feeling that I will need to remember that promise when life starts to get really difficult and painful, which it inevitably will.

So, though I'm not kirking out about turning 30, those deeper questions remain and there's a cautious, budding sense of hope at this next season of life. What will my 30's bring? A sense of purpose and direction? A vision for what I want my life to look like? Marriage? Death of loved ones? A big geographical move? Getting out of debt? Beyond those specifics, though, what will make my 30's a success?...

One of the things I have learned in the latter months of my second decade and continue to be reminded of daily, is that it is truly one step at a time. It isn't bad to think, plan and dream about what the future may bring, but I am not promised that I will ever see my 30th birthday. I can borrow a lot of anxiety and fear and "what ifs" from tomorrow and tomorrow may not come. So I want to live well now. A good friend replied, in the face of questions about why Christianity seems so complex sometimes, "Love the face in front of you." So simple, yet so difficult. But so true. Love the face in front of you. Jesus said in Matthew 25, "You were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things." I'm learning to start small. I think Mother Theresa said it, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So if I am given another 4 months and 3 days, I really want love to be the defining characteristic of my life. I have a lot to learn.

But thankfully, I am not alone in learning it. None of us are.