I turn 30 this year. In 4 months and 3 days. That sounds weird to say it like that, as if I've been keeping a countdown. I haven't, I swear! I only listed that down to the day, because today is June 1st and my birthday is October 4th. After counting off July, August, September and October on my fingers, it was pretty easy to just add the "3 days" to the end of that. I digress...
30 is one of those big milestone years. I won't be a 20-something anymore. It was weird to progress up through the twenties. Hitting 24 and feeling the weight of entering the post-college "mid-twenties", hitting the "late-twenties" at 27 and seeing 30 crest the horizon, thinking to myself, "Where the hell did you come from?!" And now, I've got four months and three days before my twenties become a piece of nostalgia.
How do people navigate these decade markers? I wouldn't say I'm scared to turn thirty. Honestly, on the inside, I don't feel much different than when I was 20. I'm still figuring out who I am. I'm still asking a lot of the same questions, though lately they are more refined and specific... and pressing. There's an urgency to the thoughts and questions, spurred on by a deep desire not to waste this life. But aside from the intensified questions, I am surprised by how little feels different. I know our character grows and deepens, and that is often hard for us to detect those subtle changes. I know they are there. The experiences we go through are constantly shaping us, and I believe God is constantly whittling away at our false identities and walls and charades to get to our hearts and make us look like Jesus. He's promised that He won't quit on us. He won't back out when it is difficult and He won't leave us on our own to figure it out. I'm thankful for that, and I'm deeply grateful that I can see that now, on the brink of 30. I have a feeling that I will need to remember that promise when life starts to get really difficult and painful, which it inevitably will.
So, though I'm not kirking out about turning 30, those deeper questions remain and there's a cautious, budding sense of hope at this next season of life. What will my 30's bring? A sense of purpose and direction? A vision for what I want my life to look like? Marriage? Death of loved ones? A big geographical move? Getting out of debt? Beyond those specifics, though, what will make my 30's a success?...
One of the things I have learned in the latter months of my second decade and continue to be reminded of daily, is that it is truly one step at a time. It isn't bad to think, plan and dream about what the future may bring, but I am not promised that I will ever see my 30th birthday. I can borrow a lot of anxiety and fear and "what ifs" from tomorrow and tomorrow may not come. So I want to live well now. A good friend replied, in the face of questions about why Christianity seems so complex sometimes, "Love the face in front of you." So simple, yet so difficult. But so true. Love the face in front of you. Jesus said in Matthew 25, "You were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things." I'm learning to start small. I think Mother Theresa said it, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So if I am given another 4 months and 3 days, I really want love to be the defining characteristic of my life. I have a lot to learn.
But thankfully, I am not alone in learning it. None of us are.
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