Three Decades (part 2)

This post is probably going to be fairly personal. Just warning you!

Part of the heightened emotions surrounding the end of my twenties comes due to being single. I'll just be honest about that. But before you simply check out or stop reading, let me qualify where those thoughts are coming from. To my chagrin, I've definitely allowed myself, in some measure, to define myself by my "singleness" and I realize that's not healthy. At all. Our culture has done a bang-up job of insinuating that a relationship will make us happy. And I'm sure it will! But the insidious part is that the converse (...inverse?) of that has also been whispered to our hearts, "Without a relationship, you'll never be truly happy." So we attempt to be composed and confident, while beneath the surface, we live with a haunting desperation of finding someone to make us happy. And so long as we allow that mentality to make its home in our hearts, I don't think we will ever be truly happy. I know I've believed and lived with this—not consciously, of course! I would never admit to agreeing with this mentality. But, actions speak louder than words and what we DO reflects what we actually BELIEVE.

And so I have to confess my idolatry. I've made an idol out of being married. God wants what's best for us... and that's Him. He knows I want to get married and enjoy all that comes with that, but if that is more important to me than being close to the heart of God, then something has begun a dangerous shift. No marriage is perfect and no human is strong enough or faithful enough to warrant the full weight of our hope. Only God can bear that. I feel like I'm just learning this, so I can't say I've arrived. But I'm seeing how quickly my emotions can get the best of me as I let a disappointment here or a lonely thought there begin to suggest that I need to do something about this singleness. Instead of enjoying the heart of God my Father, His love for me and this gift of life, I start clawing and scheming and fretting over whether I'll ever get married. And as soon as I take my eyes of Jesus in that sense, the subtle lies and accusations start streaming in. You'll never find someone. You're awkward and inadequate. Your heart will get broken, it's not worth it. It doesn't matter what you try, you'll screw it up. Look at all the hurt you've caused girls over the years. And like a forest fire unrestrained, those thoughts will get the better of me. All because I let my source of hope shift from a faithful, loving God to the potential circumstance of being married.

In the past few days, some cracks have formed and I let some of those lies start creeping in. Thankfully, through some blunt, but encouraging, conversation, I was yanked up to the surface with the reminder to find my hope in God. Is that just Christian mumbo-jumbo? I don't think so. I don't need to neglect my desires. God knows my heart. But He also knows that He can be faithful to me in a way that no human relationship will be able to. And that's why I was created for. So, single or not, I want to learn to find peace and joy and love in God and the person He's made me to be and the life He's given me to live. He knows my heart's desire to find and share the love between a husband and a wife. Part of this whole thing is to trust God's heart, as a good Father, and put my hope in Him, rather than in my attempts at controlling and striving to find a wife, etc. There's a whole slew of character traits and fears and wounds and insecurities that I know I still need to work through, so even though I'll be thirty soon, I am taking my hands off this. That's not neglecting or ignoring the desires. I'm just simply surrendering the angst and the desperation.

We only have the present. I don't want to miss out on the things going on around me because I'm pining away for something in an uncertain future. I don't know if it's a matter of "It'll come to you when you're ready" or "When you are content with being single, then God will bring her your way" or any of that cliché cow dung, but I know that God loves us and our greatest joy and deepest need is to find our satisfaction and joy in Him, and trust that He will give us the other good gifts when the time is best. I know marriage isn't easy. I'm sure it's that much harder if we come to it with our deepest hopes riding on the marriage to make us happy. If instead, we come to it with gratitude and humility, rather than entitlement and idolatry, we will be able to enjoy and serve and forgive our spouse with so much freedom and life, because our sense of identity and our happiness is not riding on how the other person makes us feel.

Who knows! I'm not married, so I can't speak with too much authority on this, but nevertheless, it is deeply restful to back off and re-center my thoughts. The reminder to put my hope in God, not marriage, was perfectly timed. Life has so much to offer and we all have so much to give. If we buy into our culture's lie that we are second-class people so long as we are single, we will miss out on so much. I'm not pretending marriage doesn't sound wonderful, with the companionship, intimacy, sex, friendship and all that, but I won't let that deceive me into thinking that without it, life can't be full. Jesus said He came to give us abundant life... and He didn't follow that up by announcing www.kingdommatchup.com or something. Full and satisfying life is found in Him. I'm gonna start there. If marriage is down the road, I think I'll be able to appreciate it much more if I'm already coming from a place of deep contentment and fulfillment. I'll be able to give from a deep well, rather than clinging and taking...

30, you don't scare me none.