I Met Bill and Pondered My Life's Purpose

I just finished watching the movie, "Meet Bill". I can't whole-heartedly recommend it, as there's some unnecessary stuff and many could easily be offended by it. But the major premise with the movie seemed to be about the main character, Bill, and his coming to terms with how badly his life sucked and how he wasn't living his life for himself. He was completely passive and living out of duty and obligation, simply catering to whatever people expected of him. The movie is sort of his awakening and journey towards breaking free from that.

And it makes me wonder... am I happy with the life I am living? Am I proud of it? Am I pursuing something that is fulfilling, satisfying or purposeful? Am I just doing things because they are expected of me?

It seems like life just keeps rolling past, and if we aren't careful, we will miss the moments, the opportunities to grab it by the reigns and make something meaningful out of it. I imagine it will take some blood, sweat and tears, but it will be worth it in the end.

Who are you? Who am I? What do we want to be known as? What kind of person do we want to be remembered as?

Do we have the luxury of asking these questions? Is it too youthfully naive? Too idealistic? Should I be more practical and prudent? Should be more grateful and content with where I am? Should I accept my lot in life and just be happy with where I am? ... Do other people ask these questions?

I'm not sure where these questions are going, but... I think it's crucial I ask them... Life is simply too short to just coast through it doing or being whatever is most convenient or expected or demanded of us. The path of least resistance just doesn't seem like it's the path worth taking.

The Passive Man and Fear

I've been learning a lot lately about passivity. Hmm, let me rephrase that. I've been recognizing lately the unhealthy effects of being passive. (It's not like I've been studying to understand passivity better). And more specifically, I'm realizing that being passive is antithetical to being a strong godly man.

Being passive is being fearful.

When I don't make a decision or let someone else's decision dictate what I do, I am revealing that I'm afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. This might not be how other passive people operate, but for me, it's an indication of deep fear. For me, being passive is a cowardly way of avoiding responsibility. If I don't make the decision, I can't be held responsible. While that mindset points towards a cowardice in me, it also reveals a deep distrust in the heart of God towards me. It shows that I'm still operating out of a performance mentality. God must only be pleased with me because I'm doing things just right and if I choose wrong in this situation, I will be disconnected from Him with no clear way to fix it. I think that's what I must think in times of indecision. I fear that by choosing wrongly and "failing", that God will not stay with me or something. I'm learning that that's not true. God has promised explicitly through the words of Jesus that He will never leave me or forsake me. Even if I choose poorly, or stupidly. Even if I cause a shit-storm of pain and harmful consequences. He will still love me and He will still walk with me through the aftermath. And! What I'm also seeing is the pain and numbness that passivity causes in me. Something dies in us with inactivity. Someone once said to me, "God can't steer a ship that isn't moving." That sounds like it belongs on a church sign... but I can see some deep truth in that. Moving, acting, risking... all these things reveal a deep trust in God's abiding love for us. We aren't afraid to mess up. But if we cower back from decisions, because we're afraid to incur His wrath by choosing incorrectly, OR to mess our lives up and cause ourselves deep pain, we start "losing heart". Literally, our heart starts dying. I don't get why, but it does. Being passive and being passionate, while having similar letters, are almost mutually exclusive. Unless you're passionate about being passive... but then you aren't being passive about being passive... eh, I'm digressing. We have no passion in life if we are afraid to act, to choose. And I read this awhile ago, but it haunted me:

"But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death". Revelation 21:8

Now, I'm not good at talking about the wrath of God and I disbelieve strongly in motivating people through fear, but this jumped out at me. Cowardice is in the same list as sexual immorality and murder. (Obviously, there is forgiveness and new life in Jesus Christ, so this isn't intended to cause alarm as to one's salvation or anything). I just never thought of cowardice as something that God didn't like, nor did I consider bravery something to admire or extol. And it's easy to leave the bravery to soldiers and firefighters and leave the cowardice to the Judas's and the Ceasar in Gladiator who stabbed Maximus with the knife before fighting him... But what about our lives? What about the cowardice that keeps a guy doesn't ask a girl out? What about the bravery involved in telling a friend a hard truth of something unhealthy they are doing and sticking around for the backlash and restoration? We don't typically think of our lives that way—at least I don't. What if God is frustrated, no—angry—when we shrink back? Like a father who would be disappointed and hurt if his child didn't do something because of their fear of failing and that it would somehow make their father love them less? What if God would rather have us DO something even if it meant it wasn't best, rather than not making a decision because we couldn't see a safe and comfortable outcome? What if our decision making brings the heart of God deep joy because it belies our unwavering trust that even if this situation doesn't go well, God will walk with us through it? I don't want to live with these kinds of fears anymore...

So this is what I'm learning. Also, in relation to the fear of success which I mentioned earlier, I am not sure why, but something about succeeding, about winning is awkward. I'm not sure if it is a fear that pride will creep in or a fear that succeeding will raise the bar of performance too high for me to continually reach? I haven't figured that part out yet.

I do know this: when we don't grasp how deeply that God loves us, that He has adopted us into His family in the best sense of the word, that He delights in us and nothing we do can separate us from Him, we will always be afraid to succeed or fail. I know I have been. But if I will rest and abide in His loving presence, then I can fail without losing heart and I can succeed without having to find some false humility or bashfully accept compliments. I can accel and falter along the journey, with a freedom and a peace that I am deeply loved regardless. And I think if I lived this way, and if you lived this way, the people around us would see that, the freedom in that, and would want the same thing.