"So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell
Can it possibly get any more uncertain than this? We so long for life to be better than it is. We wish the beauty and love and adventure would stay and that someone strong and kind would show us how to make the Arrows go away. We hope that God will be our hero. Of all the people in the universe, he could stop the Arrows and arrange for just a little more blessing in our lives. He can spin the earth, change the weather, topple governments, obliterate armies, and resurrect the dead. Is it too much to ask that he intervene in our story? But he often seems aloof, almost indifferent to our plight, so entirely out of our control. Would it be any worse if there were no God? If he didn’t exist, at least we wouldn’t get our hopes up. We could settle once and for all that we really are alone in the universe and get on with surviving as best we may.
This is, in fact, how many professing Christians end up living: as practical agnostics. Perhaps God will come through, perhaps he won’t, so I’ll be hanged if I’ll live as though he had to come through. I’ll hedge my bets and if he does show up, so much the better..."
This really captures a lot of the subconscious struggle I have with God. I don't particularly want to be a deist, but I am really bad at seeing and recognizing God's action around me. And I understand that it is faith either way, to say "God provided this opportunity" or to say "This just happened to fall into my lap". So, how do we choose to take our faith in the direction of believing that God is intervening in our lives, actively and attentively, without surrendering the rational, intelligent part of ourselves that needs some logic on which to base decisions on.
Why does it matter, you ask? It matters because so much of Christianity is predicated on the active love of God, pursuing us. I don't want to diminish Jesus' death on the cross to pay for my sin at all, but... how do I put this without sounding heretical... It's a starting block. Or at least, it should be, in my eyes. Take it to a marriage analogy. If the husband signs the marriage license, what kind of husband would he be if he never spoke to his wife, never cared for her in ways that she recognized? And when she would question or ask about his lack of affection or visible signs of his love, what if he would bring up the fact that he signed the marriage license and would shame her for being ungrateful? I can't picture God being that way. Even if the initial act was so powerfully loving, initiating a potential lifetime of intimacy and joy, if he didn't continue to show and express love to her in ways she recognized, what kind of husband would he be?
That seems fairly accusatory of me and that's why I can't really get behind that sentiment. The next logical conclusion I come to is that I really suck at listening to and recognizing God's current care for me. Or, allowing for the spiritual realm to be real, the devil is also actively warring to keep me from sensing and knowing God's active love for me.
Underneath all of this, I feel like I am just too busy. I am not making time to be still and quiet, so I don't feel any deep peace or centeredness. I am just running from task to task, conversation to conversation and I think over several weeks, I've just lost my bearings a little bit.
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