So I've had a bit of a revelation lately. Perhaps an epiphany, if you will.
I've continued to question and search through the reasons why I am single as I approach the ripe old age of 30. Not that 30 is a magical number, because I would be asking the same questions if I was still 27 or if I was single and 34. Relationships have always been difficult for me, for some reason. Exploring "why" has been a vague, convoluted and often discouraging process. But I think I'm coming to a light at the end of the tunnel (hopefully, not a freight train coming at me, like Metallica sang). There might be some more turns and introspective discoveries left to unearth, but the past couple of days have been shedding light on something for me.
I am afraid of failing. That might not be so abnormal for men, since we are typically very task-oriented, rather than relational (stereotypically true of women). When it comes to relationships though, for whatever reasons, I have a deep fear of failing that keeps me from opening up and letting my heart love/trust, etc. And—this is the epiphany part—I'm pretty sure it's because, in my task-oriented brain, I assume women have an expectation of me. They expect something of a boyfriend. They expect something of the pursuit. And the source of my fear comes from not knowing what their expectations are. They don't hand out a Expectations and Requirements Document on the first date! So I have spent years and years, basically guessing at what various women want, trying to be "successful", trying to be what they want, but never settling into a peaceful, joyful relationship of honesty and intimacy. This insatiable need to be what someone wants has only led to heartbreak.
The freeing part of this epiphany is that my assumption is wrong. Women may have expectations, desires, etc. but it is not my place to guess what they are OR try to fit into what they want. I need to learn to be myself and be okay that if it doesn't work out, it is an okay kind of "failure" (in the sense that the relationship didn't end in marriage). Like Einstein or Bell said (I forget), when asked about the thousands of failures when trying to discover... a conductor for the light bulb... or something, "I didn't fail, I found X thousand elements that don't work". I don't know why I have tried to be what a woman wants. I suppose it is a form of validation, a desire to be liked. Understanding that it really doesn't count and is artificial if I'm not being myself is crucial. So I am still processing this, but I feel like this is an important discovery about myself. I don't need to try to guess at whether or not I will say the right thing or do exactly what's necessary to "win" a girl over or whatever. I will probably be awkward. Or forget a birthday. Or completely disagree on something. That's okay. I'm not perfect... I shouldn't expect myself to be, because no realistic woman is expecting that of me, either.
The convicting part of this epiphany comes when I take the plank out of my own eye... Do I expect things of other people? Is that why I assume women do the same for me? Is expectation the wrong word? Is it simply that we all have desires and wants and that's okay when they don't mesh and result in marriage? It's challenging to consider that I might hold people up to a standard of perfection that isn't fair...
In any case, I feel a small burden lifting in this area of relationships. I'm thankful to God for even this seemingly basic revelation. Maybe most of you readers are thinking to yourself, "Duh.", but for those of us who missed that bus back in high school, it's amazing the promise of freedom that is offered when I start believing I don't have to guess how to get a girl to like me, do everything perfectly so she doesn't stop liking me, etc. I can just be myself... Strange. So cliché, but so necessary and for me, hard to do.
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