Disciples vs. Christians

After reading some excerpts from Dallas Willard today, I am faced with a new question. Am I a disciple of Jesus Christ? It's extremely easy to call myself a Christian. It has become such a loosely defined term that, while it can bring up strong negative stereotypes for some, generally doesn't cause much offense or reaction. Most people would loosely consider someone a Christian if they go to church, believe in Jesus and try to be a good person. Obviously, from within the church, arguments will arise about who's really in and who's really out, but that's not exactly what has my internal wheels spinning. Willard mentioned that the word Christian is mentioned 3 times in the New Testament and the word disciple is used over 250 times (and when Christian is used, it is always referring to those disciples). Am I really a disciple of Jesus?

There's something to the word disciple, as opposed to Christian, that makes me hesitate just a bit before claiming I am one. I want to be honest with myself and have integrity between what I say and how I live, so the question becomes then, what is a true disciple of Jesus Christ? Am I really attempting to live every day, every moment to be more like Jesus? Have I really surrendered my will and dreams and reputation, to be willing and obedient to anything and everything that Jesus is asking me to do? Or is Jesus an add-on to my life? Is God and Christianity just a hobby? A lifestyle? A luxury? An emotional crutch for when life gets tough? A vending machine to dispense blessings and safety and comfort on my life?

I don't want to assume that Jesus is Lord of my life if I'm not actively seeking to be obedient in everything. It's easy for me, growing up in church for so long, to call myself a Christian and just go about doing what I've learned are "Christian things". While there are all kinds of variations on what being a "Christian" in this culture means, being a "disciple" of Jesus Christ seems to have more weight to it; it sounds more costly. Something you can't fake, something beyond a label. Maybe we don't have anything similar in our culture to draw an analogy from, but as I understand it from basic first-century Judaism, being a disciple was this immersing experience of becoming an apprentice of someone, training and learning to become just like them. Generally speaking, it's easy to become a Christian—say a prayer that acknowledges you truly believe some specific truths from the Bible, particularly that God saves us by His grace, and you can call yourself a Christian. I know that there is more to it than that, so please don't misunderstand. I'm speaking broadly across how evangelical Christianity is presented. Being a disciple, on the other hand, is hardly talked about. We tell people they can escape hell, but we don't tell them the high cost of what it means to follow Christ on a daily basis. Maybe that's because we aren't paying that high cost ourselves? Do we really know what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ?

I guess what is convicting and challenging to me is understanding that becoming a disciple is a choice and a commitment. At times in my life, I wonder if God is just another voice of authority, as opposed to THE voice of authority in my life. Have I really committed to listening to, obeying, trusting, pursuing God first? Do all my choices and actions stem from that first allegiance? Or do I only obey when it is convenient?

I don't feel guilt-ridden as I type this. This feels more like being on a wide path, and glancing to the left and seeing this really narrow path that goes off into the woods. Something in me knows that true freedom and joy and peace and a meaningful life is not found on the wide, easy road of Christianity—the version of it where you're basically just a nice person who goes to a church and believes in Jesus. I feel like I've been living that life, walking that path for most of my journey through Christianity, and I'm just beginning to wonder if the abundant life that Jesus offers requires a true dying to myself, taking up my cross and following Jesus out of the Christian bubble and into a life characterized by deep devotion to Jesus Christ, above and before anything and everything else.