As I've continued to read in "God in the Dark" by Os Guinness, I've become stuck. The last chapter I read, about a particular type of doubt that can creep into a believer's life, has given me some kind of epiphany and I don't feel like I can keep reading without processing and doing something with what I've read.
The chapter was about the type of doubt that arises from a lack of commitment. Guinness gave the illustration of a contract that has been drawn up, all the terms outlined and explained. Everything is ready to go, except for the one thing that makes it binding—a signature. He said that without the conviction and confidence of aligning yourself to what you believe, what you are reasonably convinced of as the truth about reality, a certain type of doubt creeps in that paralyzes you. As I thought about that more, I realized that this chapter hit the nail on the head for me. I was exposed. I've been a typically indecisive, go-with-the-flow kind of person for a long time. I thought that was merely a character trait, an aspect of my personality. But I'm realizing that it's a subtle form of fear. I've been afraid to want anything, afraid to choose, afraid to commit. The "what ifs" have controlled my life. What if she doesn't like me back? What if they think it was a dumb idea? What if no one else is on board? What if I try this and fail? What if I give it everything I have and what I have isn't enough? And so, to somehow remove myself from the responsibility of choosing, deceiving myself into thinking I'd be immune from the effects, I began to let life happen to me. I'm not sure when that happened, if it was a particular situation or a pattern that formed. Either way, I started preferring that other people make decisions for me, trusting their wisdom, their motives, their vision. Along the way, I think I lost sight of who I was, with only a vague echo of discontentment bouncing around the edges of my personality. Something's been missing...
It's been pretty eye-opening.
I see this playing out in my faith in God (as the book primarily deals with), but also in dating relationships, friendships, career choices, etc. In areas of spirituality, I've leaned heavily to the side of grace, at the expense of truth at times, because truth scared me and it's much less confrontational to be gracious. Claiming to know the truth, rather, is what scared me. There's the chance I'd be wrong. To avoid that chance, succumbing to a false sense of humility, I preferred to have an "open mind" and say, "I think" rather than "I know". Eventually, that feels wishy-washy and powerless. There's nothing solid to stand on or give to people.
In relationships, it reared its head with the ever-present question, "Is this really what I want?" and most of the time, I knew the answer was "no", but couldn't get out from under the guilt of having entered a relationship without really being able to say that I knew that I wanted to be in it and pursuing it. I'm deeply grateful to be experiencing real freedom in this area... I'd get so crippled with anxiety and fear, unable to tell where the confusion was coming from. It was because I was afraid to choose! Afraid to be rejected or dumped, or afraid to be the one to break a heart... which, turns out, you can break hearts much more deeply when you aren't internally committed to the girl you're dating. Not that I cheated on any of them ever, but the hurt that I caused when suddenly everything they thought was true about what I wanted and how I felt toward them evaporated, when my internal confusion was exposed, there's a deep betrayal there that is pretty near crushing. And I never could figure out why it happened... I'd just try harder to be a "better boyfriend" next time... when the issue was just that I wasn't allowing my heart to be open and honest with how I felt, inwardly "committing" to it by allowing myself to feel and think it, rather than trying to keep it all loose and tentative... It's really cool to be seeing God transforming this area of my life already...
I'm not going to keep going into all the various ways I can see this affecting things. I feel as though I've turned a corner. My prayers feel more intentional and dependent, asking God for the clarity and wisdom to see my options, but then have the courage and trust in His grace and love to make decisions without fear, and then see them through. Keeping an open-mind is a great thing, but in the words of... someone that Guinness quoted in the chapter, the open mind is like an open mouth and it was intended to close on something solid.
I think there's a subtle strain of divine distrust in many Christian circles. There's a fear of God that is taught and practiced that alludes to God as a vindictive judge, waiting to strike us down when we step out of line or mess up. I'm not saying God is a senile grandfather and it doesn't matter what we do, but I'm beginning to believe deeply that God is a loving Father, who desires His children to trust His love for them and wants them to play well together, create and explore the beautiful backyard—build forts, make up imaginary games, and scribble outside the lines to make refrigerator art—not cower in fear of doing the wrong thing, to the point of paralysis... If we trusted this was God's heart toward us, I think we'd spend less time wringing our hands to find "God's will for our lives" and spend more time enjoying life, loving the faces right in front of us and spend a lot more time whispering prayers of thanks for life and beauty and friendships and love. We'd be less imprisoned by people's disapproval of us, less threatened by the fear of failure and full of a freedom and courage that would seem really compelling and attractive to a world that seems to be so scared and afraid to be themselves.
I know I have a lot to learn, but I'm grateful for this realization. I'm looking forward to seeing the fruit that comes with trusting God more deeply, fearing things less and learning to live and love with freedom, confidence and the commitment of knowing what is true, to the best of my ability with the knowledge I have so far, and living from that...
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