Your Feedback and God's Goodness

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I hesitate to post this post, for I have a feeling it will sadden or frustrate some of you... But I'd rather not have these thoughts rattling around in my head alone... Welcome to my over-thinking.

In my current phase of life, I am wrestling with the idea of God's goodness. Some people claim that simply by knowing that God sent His son to die for us is all the proof we need. For them, that settles it and anything that questions that is ingratitude and heresy. Some people look to the bulk of life in general, and are thankful for all the basic normal things in life that are so easily "taken for granted". You woke up today. You can breathe without intense pain in your lungs. You can get out of bed without someone's assistance. You are rich enough to afford transportation to a job that many people don't have right now. You know how to use a computer and you aren't blind and are able to read this blog post. There is no end to the mundane aspects of life that, if taken away, we would be worse off without. This is all attributed to the goodness of God, or His infinite patience and mercy. And since we are so evil and vile, it is purely mercy that God doesn't torture us instead as punishment for our depravity. The latter form of gratitude borders on obligation, when contrasted with how wicked and undeserving we apparently are.

I can see truths hidden in both of these concepts. It makes sense to me to have a sense of appreciation and gratitude for the basics of life, that for some, are a luxury. I don't want to take things for granted. And believing that God sacrificed His own son to reconcile us to Himself is such an extreme example of selfless love. Believing God would go to that length to provide salvation to us is deeply humbling.

So that brings us to the present. There is a tension between experience and what I mostly believe to be true. Unanswered prayers, confusion, fear, deep emotional pain... all these things scream out for explanation. Why does God seem inactive or passive? Why doesn't He communicate clearly if these situations are supposed to teach us something? Why doesn't He empower us to overcome the things in us the bind us and frustrate us? Why does He allow the devil and other evil spirits (if that is a legitimate factor in why life hasn't turned out like we want it to) to defeat us? Why does He allow fears and insecurities and emotional wounds to go unhealed?

I'm not sure. But that's the root of why I am wrestling with God's goodness. I want to believe that He is good. This is not my attempt at throwing off the shackles of religion so I can do what I want. These questions are at the heart of the gospel. I suppose, in some sense, I don't trust God. At least not for healing. Not for interaction. I can trust that Jesus died 2000 years ago and that God wants us to trust Him that we can't earn salvation and must risk and trust that Jesus' death covers our sins and makes us right with God. But that feels worlds different from trusting God in the face of constant disappointment, unmet desires and ongoing captivity to fear, confusion and over-thinking.

Someone suggested maybe I've never actually experienced God as He truly is. Maybe the version of God that I'm so frustrated by and feel abandoned/neglected by isn't the real God? Maybe the church I grew up in painted a picture of God that was distorted and untrue. An idol, a facsimile. It is hard to say at this point.

I'm not giving up on this yet. I'm just trying to be honest with my feelings, thoughts and questions, while not losing sight of the fact that I am human, and therefore, I do not know everything. I understand and submit to the fact that God IS higher and more transcendent than I am. He does not have to do things my way, because my way is decidedly myopic. But I can't avoid the parts of me that feel broken, or the silence and frustration with the idea of a personal relationship with God. I can't pretend that those things don't haunt me and wear me down.

I'm trying to find hope that God still has mercy towards us, even if we feel like we're losing sight of who He really is. I hope He understands, in this fallen, broken world, how difficult it is for some of us to believe and trust Him. It would be nice to shut off this brain and just simply believe everything. That'd be a hell of a lot easier. Thinking through all this stuff feels like such a burden, but I don't know how to shut it off.

Or maybe it's not a head issue? Maybe it's a heart issue and my heart is unwilling to risk trusting God... maybe I'm too afraid that He will let me down and disappoint... and if God lets us down... what then? There's no safety net after that.

And maybe these posts are too vulnerable and incriminating for the interwebs?! DANG.