Distrusting God

I haven't been doing much thinking of any kind lately since I've been sick for almost a week now, with some kind of bronchial infection, but medicine is bringing back mental clarity along with the good health, so it's time for another blog post.

“Satan came into the Garden and whispered to Adam and Eve—and in them, to all of us—‘You cannot trust the heart of God . . . he’s holding out on you . . . you’ve got to take matters under your control.’ He sowed the seed of mistrust in our hearts; he tempted us to seize control.

It’s the same lie he is using in your life today, by the way: “Trusting God is way too risky. You’re far too vulnerable. Rewrite the Story. Give yourself a better part. Arrange for your own happiness. Disregard him.”

(Epic , 54, 55)

I am finding this to be true. I understand that we all have differing beliefs and experiences regarding the supernatural and spiritual warfare, but along with believing in God's existence, it is logical for me to believe in the existence of a real personal evil being, which the Bible calls Satan. For me at this point, it's just acknowledging that there is a real presence of evil in the world, apart from humanity's imperfections, that is actively working to keep us from experiencing God and all the good, beautiful and truthful expressions of Him in the world. In the quote above, I think Eldridge really captures the root of the story in Genesis of the fall of mankind. The questions that the serpent posed to Eve, "Did God really say...?" aren't blatant attacks on the character of God. The serpent didn't pop out of the bushes, apparently, and say, "God is evil!" or "Worship me instead of God!" ... the serpent simply, innocently asked Eve to double-check what she thought was true. Are you sure God has your best interest at heart? And faced with that uncertainty, the uncertainty that is necessary and inescapable in a free world with love as the ultimate goal, Adam and Eve decided to make a backup plan and chose to err on the side of caution, just in case God was lying or wouldn't take care of them.

The quote above really hits home for me. I can see, from experiences I've had, that I have had those same questions whispered to me in the dark, from the imperceptible corners of circumstances, causing me to build up walls to protect myself from being abandoned or betrayed by the God I thought loved me or would care for me.

So now, I am trying to slide out from underneath those questions and deceptions, and at some base level, come honestly to God. I don't want to simply shake my fist in frustration or hunker down for the long winter of resignation to fear and uncertainty. I don't want to assume that I know what's best, but at the same time, I want to hold up my experiences to the light and be honest with God with the situations that have left me confused at His inactivity or doubtful of His love. I'm not sure where this will go. I'm not sure if I'll have some grand epiphany where God explains the mysteries of pain to me, but I figure it's a start. And hopefully, at some base level, coming to God honestly is showing a sign of trust that matters to Him. That He won't squash us in His wrath when we can't see clearly what He's doing and when it hurts and He didn't seem to do anything about it.

It's a weird thing, to hope that God is how I hope He is. Somewhere beneath the surface, there is this deep hope that God is infinitely understanding and forgiving and merciful. A hope that our questions don't piss Him off. That our doubts, though they might sting a little, don't send God into a fit of wrath where He sadistically plots our punishment at the moment when we least expect it. The vengeful, wrathful God of the Old Testament seems so radically different from Jesus, that it is still hard at times to hope that God is tender towards us and infinitely patient with our struggles. Not our habitual sin, but the fears and doubts and questions and confusions that life keeps bogging us down with...

The Bible says God is love. I really hope that's true...