I think I've posted about this before, but I am definitely feeling the weight of the "tyranny of the urgent".
How do we slow down? How do we say "no" to more things and prioritize which things to say "yes" to?
Life is too short to live it without knowing what you're living for. That's what I'm trying to figure out. What will make my life worth living?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Deism?
To you who may read this, in your experience, what helps you recognize and put rational faith in God's active intervention in your life? How do you have sense of God's working in and around you? How do you know what prayers God "answers" and what to do with those "answers"?
I feel like God is pretty passive, or at least that's how I tend to interpret the events of my life. It is ridiculously difficult for me to see/recognize/believe that God is engaged and active with me. In my experience, sometimes I feel like I am a deist. I believe God exists, but I have precious little to go on that says He is alive and active in my life today... I believe He IS, but that belief hangs on a thread most of the time and is so hard to put words to...
If God IS truly working in and around me, I want to recognize it more. I want my senses and mind to be trained to distinguish what is His activity versus just life happening. Or is God active in everything? Is this email divinely directed? Are the words I'm choosing to type pre-planned and part of God's plan to bring about good? I've been really wrestling lately with my own personal experience with God. The head knowledge is strong and logical, but the spiritual experiences are flimsy and sporadic, stained with doubts and questions. And my inability to find solid experience to stand on, tends to erode at the things that I think I believe to be true. Then everything starts to get weird and existential and exhausting.
Any thoughts?
Or is all of this just a weird emotional by-product of being too busy and not spending time with God?
I feel like God is pretty passive, or at least that's how I tend to interpret the events of my life. It is ridiculously difficult for me to see/recognize/believe that God is engaged and active with me. In my experience, sometimes I feel like I am a deist. I believe God exists, but I have precious little to go on that says He is alive and active in my life today... I believe He IS, but that belief hangs on a thread most of the time and is so hard to put words to...
If God IS truly working in and around me, I want to recognize it more. I want my senses and mind to be trained to distinguish what is His activity versus just life happening. Or is God active in everything? Is this email divinely directed? Are the words I'm choosing to type pre-planned and part of God's plan to bring about good? I've been really wrestling lately with my own personal experience with God. The head knowledge is strong and logical, but the spiritual experiences are flimsy and sporadic, stained with doubts and questions. And my inability to find solid experience to stand on, tends to erode at the things that I think I believe to be true. Then everything starts to get weird and existential and exhausting.
Any thoughts?
Or is all of this just a weird emotional by-product of being too busy and not spending time with God?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Practical Agnostics
This is from the Daily Reading email I got a few days ago:
This really captures a lot of the subconscious struggle I have with God. I don't particularly want to be a deist, but I am really bad at seeing and recognizing God's action around me. And I understand that it is faith either way, to say "God provided this opportunity" or to say "This just happened to fall into my lap". So, how do we choose to take our faith in the direction of believing that God is intervening in our lives, actively and attentively, without surrendering the rational, intelligent part of ourselves that needs some logic on which to base decisions on.
Why does it matter, you ask? It matters because so much of Christianity is predicated on the active love of God, pursuing us. I don't want to diminish Jesus' death on the cross to pay for my sin at all, but... how do I put this without sounding heretical... It's a starting block. Or at least, it should be, in my eyes. Take it to a marriage analogy. If the husband signs the marriage license, what kind of husband would he be if he never spoke to his wife, never cared for her in ways that she recognized? And when she would question or ask about his lack of affection or visible signs of his love, what if he would bring up the fact that he signed the marriage license and would shame her for being ungrateful? I can't picture God being that way. Even if the initial act was so powerfully loving, initiating a potential lifetime of intimacy and joy, if he didn't continue to show and express love to her in ways she recognized, what kind of husband would he be?
That seems fairly accusatory of me and that's why I can't really get behind that sentiment. The next logical conclusion I come to is that I really suck at listening to and recognizing God's current care for me. Or, allowing for the spiritual realm to be real, the devil is also actively warring to keep me from sensing and knowing God's active love for me.
Underneath all of this, I feel like I am just too busy. I am not making time to be still and quiet, so I don't feel any deep peace or centeredness. I am just running from task to task, conversation to conversation and I think over several weeks, I've just lost my bearings a little bit.
"So long as we imagine it is we who have to look for God, we must often lose heart. But it is the other way about—He is looking for us. - Simon Tugwell
Can it possibly get any more uncertain than this? We so long for life to be better than it is. We wish the beauty and love and adventure would stay and that someone strong and kind would show us how to make the Arrows go away. We hope that God will be our hero. Of all the people in the universe, he could stop the Arrows and arrange for just a little more blessing in our lives. He can spin the earth, change the weather, topple governments, obliterate armies, and resurrect the dead. Is it too much to ask that he intervene in our story? But he often seems aloof, almost indifferent to our plight, so entirely out of our control. Would it be any worse if there were no God? If he didn’t exist, at least we wouldn’t get our hopes up. We could settle once and for all that we really are alone in the universe and get on with surviving as best we may.
This is, in fact, how many professing Christians end up living: as practical agnostics. Perhaps God will come through, perhaps he won’t, so I’ll be hanged if I’ll live as though he had to come through. I’ll hedge my bets and if he does show up, so much the better..."
This really captures a lot of the subconscious struggle I have with God. I don't particularly want to be a deist, but I am really bad at seeing and recognizing God's action around me. And I understand that it is faith either way, to say "God provided this opportunity" or to say "This just happened to fall into my lap". So, how do we choose to take our faith in the direction of believing that God is intervening in our lives, actively and attentively, without surrendering the rational, intelligent part of ourselves that needs some logic on which to base decisions on.
Why does it matter, you ask? It matters because so much of Christianity is predicated on the active love of God, pursuing us. I don't want to diminish Jesus' death on the cross to pay for my sin at all, but... how do I put this without sounding heretical... It's a starting block. Or at least, it should be, in my eyes. Take it to a marriage analogy. If the husband signs the marriage license, what kind of husband would he be if he never spoke to his wife, never cared for her in ways that she recognized? And when she would question or ask about his lack of affection or visible signs of his love, what if he would bring up the fact that he signed the marriage license and would shame her for being ungrateful? I can't picture God being that way. Even if the initial act was so powerfully loving, initiating a potential lifetime of intimacy and joy, if he didn't continue to show and express love to her in ways she recognized, what kind of husband would he be?
That seems fairly accusatory of me and that's why I can't really get behind that sentiment. The next logical conclusion I come to is that I really suck at listening to and recognizing God's current care for me. Or, allowing for the spiritual realm to be real, the devil is also actively warring to keep me from sensing and knowing God's active love for me.
Underneath all of this, I feel like I am just too busy. I am not making time to be still and quiet, so I don't feel any deep peace or centeredness. I am just running from task to task, conversation to conversation and I think over several weeks, I've just lost my bearings a little bit.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Christian or Secular?
I had someone ask me today, if the music I write is Christian or secular... and I was dumbfounded for a split second. It caught me off guard and I didn't know how to answer. I don't mean this to sound condescending at all, but it has just been so long since I've interacted with anyone who operates in those categories in relation to music that I probably looked at her like she had two heads at first. My response was a question, hoping to clarify what she meant, "What do you mean? If I'm a Christian, does that mean the music I write is Christian?" I think she wasn't expecting a question in response, because it took her a second to answer and she definitely seemed like she hadn't been asked to expand on what she meant before that. As I somewhat anticipated, she went on to distinguish between songs about God and living life for Him, versus songs relating to relationships and love, etc.
I hope I am bringing those two worlds together under the same roof. I don't want to operate in a secular mode and then a Christian mode. I want to find God's presence in all of it, without losing my ability to relate with the physical and emotional realities around me. I'm not sure about how to gently prod and push those who still operate in this mindset. There are probably some benefits, some glimpses of good intentions behind it. On the whole, I think it is a harmful and divisive way of viewing the world and I have a hard time accepting that it's a biblical view. Music is a gift. For me, it's a medium for expressing my thoughts and emotions. I have no agenda. I hope it is consistent with who I am and who I understand God to be. But is this post Christian or secular? Is my job Christian or secular? Is the last conversation I had with you Christian or secular? If we are truly following Christ and experiencing God in our daily lives, then everything we do should have the scent of heaven in it. There should be an intentional union between the mundane and the holy in our lives. I have not arrived at this, by any stretch. But after this morning, I'm reminded that I want my life to be this way. I want my ordinary daily interactions and actions to be honest and unpretentious, but at the same time, soaked in or haunted by God's reality and presence. Especially for the Christ-follower/believer, God is always with us, so nothing should be considered "secular" and everything should be "Christian" which would make the label unnecessary. It would be like asking if my music is human music...
I hope I am bringing those two worlds together under the same roof. I don't want to operate in a secular mode and then a Christian mode. I want to find God's presence in all of it, without losing my ability to relate with the physical and emotional realities around me. I'm not sure about how to gently prod and push those who still operate in this mindset. There are probably some benefits, some glimpses of good intentions behind it. On the whole, I think it is a harmful and divisive way of viewing the world and I have a hard time accepting that it's a biblical view. Music is a gift. For me, it's a medium for expressing my thoughts and emotions. I have no agenda. I hope it is consistent with who I am and who I understand God to be. But is this post Christian or secular? Is my job Christian or secular? Is the last conversation I had with you Christian or secular? If we are truly following Christ and experiencing God in our daily lives, then everything we do should have the scent of heaven in it. There should be an intentional union between the mundane and the holy in our lives. I have not arrived at this, by any stretch. But after this morning, I'm reminded that I want my life to be this way. I want my ordinary daily interactions and actions to be honest and unpretentious, but at the same time, soaked in or haunted by God's reality and presence. Especially for the Christ-follower/believer, God is always with us, so nothing should be considered "secular" and everything should be "Christian" which would make the label unnecessary. It would be like asking if my music is human music...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Assumed Expectations = Irrational Fear of Failure
So I've had a bit of a revelation lately. Perhaps an epiphany, if you will.
I've continued to question and search through the reasons why I am single as I approach the ripe old age of 30. Not that 30 is a magical number, because I would be asking the same questions if I was still 27 or if I was single and 34. Relationships have always been difficult for me, for some reason. Exploring "why" has been a vague, convoluted and often discouraging process. But I think I'm coming to a light at the end of the tunnel (hopefully, not a freight train coming at me, like Metallica sang). There might be some more turns and introspective discoveries left to unearth, but the past couple of days have been shedding light on something for me.
I am afraid of failing. That might not be so abnormal for men, since we are typically very task-oriented, rather than relational (stereotypically true of women). When it comes to relationships though, for whatever reasons, I have a deep fear of failing that keeps me from opening up and letting my heart love/trust, etc. And—this is the epiphany part—I'm pretty sure it's because, in my task-oriented brain, I assume women have an expectation of me. They expect something of a boyfriend. They expect something of the pursuit. And the source of my fear comes from not knowing what their expectations are. They don't hand out a Expectations and Requirements Document on the first date! So I have spent years and years, basically guessing at what various women want, trying to be "successful", trying to be what they want, but never settling into a peaceful, joyful relationship of honesty and intimacy. This insatiable need to be what someone wants has only led to heartbreak.
The freeing part of this epiphany is that my assumption is wrong. Women may have expectations, desires, etc. but it is not my place to guess what they are OR try to fit into what they want. I need to learn to be myself and be okay that if it doesn't work out, it is an okay kind of "failure" (in the sense that the relationship didn't end in marriage). Like Einstein or Bell said (I forget), when asked about the thousands of failures when trying to discover... a conductor for the light bulb... or something, "I didn't fail, I found X thousand elements that don't work". I don't know why I have tried to be what a woman wants. I suppose it is a form of validation, a desire to be liked. Understanding that it really doesn't count and is artificial if I'm not being myself is crucial. So I am still processing this, but I feel like this is an important discovery about myself. I don't need to try to guess at whether or not I will say the right thing or do exactly what's necessary to "win" a girl over or whatever. I will probably be awkward. Or forget a birthday. Or completely disagree on something. That's okay. I'm not perfect... I shouldn't expect myself to be, because no realistic woman is expecting that of me, either.
The convicting part of this epiphany comes when I take the plank out of my own eye... Do I expect things of other people? Is that why I assume women do the same for me? Is expectation the wrong word? Is it simply that we all have desires and wants and that's okay when they don't mesh and result in marriage? It's challenging to consider that I might hold people up to a standard of perfection that isn't fair...
In any case, I feel a small burden lifting in this area of relationships. I'm thankful to God for even this seemingly basic revelation. Maybe most of you readers are thinking to yourself, "Duh.", but for those of us who missed that bus back in high school, it's amazing the promise of freedom that is offered when I start believing I don't have to guess how to get a girl to like me, do everything perfectly so she doesn't stop liking me, etc. I can just be myself... Strange. So cliché, but so necessary and for me, hard to do.
I've continued to question and search through the reasons why I am single as I approach the ripe old age of 30. Not that 30 is a magical number, because I would be asking the same questions if I was still 27 or if I was single and 34. Relationships have always been difficult for me, for some reason. Exploring "why" has been a vague, convoluted and often discouraging process. But I think I'm coming to a light at the end of the tunnel (hopefully, not a freight train coming at me, like Metallica sang). There might be some more turns and introspective discoveries left to unearth, but the past couple of days have been shedding light on something for me.
I am afraid of failing. That might not be so abnormal for men, since we are typically very task-oriented, rather than relational (stereotypically true of women). When it comes to relationships though, for whatever reasons, I have a deep fear of failing that keeps me from opening up and letting my heart love/trust, etc. And—this is the epiphany part—I'm pretty sure it's because, in my task-oriented brain, I assume women have an expectation of me. They expect something of a boyfriend. They expect something of the pursuit. And the source of my fear comes from not knowing what their expectations are. They don't hand out a Expectations and Requirements Document on the first date! So I have spent years and years, basically guessing at what various women want, trying to be "successful", trying to be what they want, but never settling into a peaceful, joyful relationship of honesty and intimacy. This insatiable need to be what someone wants has only led to heartbreak.
The freeing part of this epiphany is that my assumption is wrong. Women may have expectations, desires, etc. but it is not my place to guess what they are OR try to fit into what they want. I need to learn to be myself and be okay that if it doesn't work out, it is an okay kind of "failure" (in the sense that the relationship didn't end in marriage). Like Einstein or Bell said (I forget), when asked about the thousands of failures when trying to discover... a conductor for the light bulb... or something, "I didn't fail, I found X thousand elements that don't work". I don't know why I have tried to be what a woman wants. I suppose it is a form of validation, a desire to be liked. Understanding that it really doesn't count and is artificial if I'm not being myself is crucial. So I am still processing this, but I feel like this is an important discovery about myself. I don't need to try to guess at whether or not I will say the right thing or do exactly what's necessary to "win" a girl over or whatever. I will probably be awkward. Or forget a birthday. Or completely disagree on something. That's okay. I'm not perfect... I shouldn't expect myself to be, because no realistic woman is expecting that of me, either.
The convicting part of this epiphany comes when I take the plank out of my own eye... Do I expect things of other people? Is that why I assume women do the same for me? Is expectation the wrong word? Is it simply that we all have desires and wants and that's okay when they don't mesh and result in marriage? It's challenging to consider that I might hold people up to a standard of perfection that isn't fair...
In any case, I feel a small burden lifting in this area of relationships. I'm thankful to God for even this seemingly basic revelation. Maybe most of you readers are thinking to yourself, "Duh.", but for those of us who missed that bus back in high school, it's amazing the promise of freedom that is offered when I start believing I don't have to guess how to get a girl to like me, do everything perfectly so she doesn't stop liking me, etc. I can just be myself... Strange. So cliché, but so necessary and for me, hard to do.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Eat My Flesh, Drink My Blood
I read something in "Battling Unbelief" by John Piper the other night and it really got me thinking. He was talking about how believing, if we view that as agreeing with certain facts, does not equal the same thing as... finding satisfaction in something. In the Bible, Jesus talks about being the Bread of Life and about being Living Water. He said crazy things like, "Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you". What does that mean? He didn't say, unless you believe that I am the Bread of Life. He said, "Consume me! Let Me satisfy your hunger and thirst." There's something about consuming, enjoying, experiencing, partaking in, being satisfied by God that goes way above and beyond just agreeing with facts.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I know it helps put words to the typical discontented feeling I have towards Christianity in general when it is reduced to believing certain statements and doing certain behaviors. There doesn't seem to be anything life-giving in that. But, in those times when I question where the substance of those things lies, I remember the stories of Jesus talking with the lady from Samaria, and Him telling her, "but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again." There's something satisfying and filling that we should experience with God that goes so much deeper than thinking that something is true. I believe we landed on the moon (mostly) and the Bible says that demons believe in God and tremble at Him... so there has to be more to Christianity than assenting to a set of ideas.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I know it helps put words to the typical discontented feeling I have towards Christianity in general when it is reduced to believing certain statements and doing certain behaviors. There doesn't seem to be anything life-giving in that. But, in those times when I question where the substance of those things lies, I remember the stories of Jesus talking with the lady from Samaria, and Him telling her, "but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again." There's something satisfying and filling that we should experience with God that goes so much deeper than thinking that something is true. I believe we landed on the moon (mostly) and the Bible says that demons believe in God and tremble at Him... so there has to be more to Christianity than assenting to a set of ideas.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I Met Bill and Pondered My Life's Purpose
I just finished watching the movie, "Meet Bill". I can't whole-heartedly recommend it, as there's some unnecessary stuff and many could easily be offended by it. But the major premise with the movie seemed to be about the main character, Bill, and his coming to terms with how badly his life sucked and how he wasn't living his life for himself. He was completely passive and living out of duty and obligation, simply catering to whatever people expected of him. The movie is sort of his awakening and journey towards breaking free from that.
And it makes me wonder... am I happy with the life I am living? Am I proud of it? Am I pursuing something that is fulfilling, satisfying or purposeful? Am I just doing things because they are expected of me?
It seems like life just keeps rolling past, and if we aren't careful, we will miss the moments, the opportunities to grab it by the reigns and make something meaningful out of it. I imagine it will take some blood, sweat and tears, but it will be worth it in the end.
Who are you? Who am I? What do we want to be known as? What kind of person do we want to be remembered as?
Do we have the luxury of asking these questions? Is it too youthfully naive? Too idealistic? Should I be more practical and prudent? Should be more grateful and content with where I am? Should I accept my lot in life and just be happy with where I am? ... Do other people ask these questions?
I'm not sure where these questions are going, but... I think it's crucial I ask them... Life is simply too short to just coast through it doing or being whatever is most convenient or expected or demanded of us. The path of least resistance just doesn't seem like it's the path worth taking.
And it makes me wonder... am I happy with the life I am living? Am I proud of it? Am I pursuing something that is fulfilling, satisfying or purposeful? Am I just doing things because they are expected of me?
It seems like life just keeps rolling past, and if we aren't careful, we will miss the moments, the opportunities to grab it by the reigns and make something meaningful out of it. I imagine it will take some blood, sweat and tears, but it will be worth it in the end.
Who are you? Who am I? What do we want to be known as? What kind of person do we want to be remembered as?
Do we have the luxury of asking these questions? Is it too youthfully naive? Too idealistic? Should I be more practical and prudent? Should be more grateful and content with where I am? Should I accept my lot in life and just be happy with where I am? ... Do other people ask these questions?
I'm not sure where these questions are going, but... I think it's crucial I ask them... Life is simply too short to just coast through it doing or being whatever is most convenient or expected or demanded of us. The path of least resistance just doesn't seem like it's the path worth taking.
Friday, August 7, 2009
The Passive Man and Fear
I've been learning a lot lately about passivity. Hmm, let me rephrase that. I've been recognizing lately the unhealthy effects of being passive. (It's not like I've been studying to understand passivity better). And more specifically, I'm realizing that being passive is antithetical to being a strong godly man.
Being passive is being fearful.
When I don't make a decision or let someone else's decision dictate what I do, I am revealing that I'm afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. This might not be how other passive people operate, but for me, it's an indication of deep fear. For me, being passive is a cowardly way of avoiding responsibility. If I don't make the decision, I can't be held responsible. While that mindset points towards a cowardice in me, it also reveals a deep distrust in the heart of God towards me. It shows that I'm still operating out of a performance mentality. God must only be pleased with me because I'm doing things just right and if I choose wrong in this situation, I will be disconnected from Him with no clear way to fix it. I think that's what I must think in times of indecision. I fear that by choosing wrongly and "failing", that God will not stay with me or something. I'm learning that that's not true. God has promised explicitly through the words of Jesus that He will never leave me or forsake me. Even if I choose poorly, or stupidly. Even if I cause a shit-storm of pain and harmful consequences. He will still love me and He will still walk with me through the aftermath. And! What I'm also seeing is the pain and numbness that passivity causes in me. Something dies in us with inactivity. Someone once said to me, "God can't steer a ship that isn't moving." That sounds like it belongs on a church sign... but I can see some deep truth in that. Moving, acting, risking... all these things reveal a deep trust in God's abiding love for us. We aren't afraid to mess up. But if we cower back from decisions, because we're afraid to incur His wrath by choosing incorrectly, OR to mess our lives up and cause ourselves deep pain, we start "losing heart". Literally, our heart starts dying. I don't get why, but it does. Being passive and being passionate, while having similar letters, are almost mutually exclusive. Unless you're passionate about being passive... but then you aren't being passive about being passive... eh, I'm digressing. We have no passion in life if we are afraid to act, to choose. And I read this awhile ago, but it haunted me:
So this is what I'm learning. Also, in relation to the fear of success which I mentioned earlier, I am not sure why, but something about succeeding, about winning is awkward. I'm not sure if it is a fear that pride will creep in or a fear that succeeding will raise the bar of performance too high for me to continually reach? I haven't figured that part out yet.
I do know this: when we don't grasp how deeply that God loves us, that He has adopted us into His family in the best sense of the word, that He delights in us and nothing we do can separate us from Him, we will always be afraid to succeed or fail. I know I have been. But if I will rest and abide in His loving presence, then I can fail without losing heart and I can succeed without having to find some false humility or bashfully accept compliments. I can accel and falter along the journey, with a freedom and a peace that I am deeply loved regardless. And I think if I lived this way, and if you lived this way, the people around us would see that, the freedom in that, and would want the same thing.
Being passive is being fearful.
When I don't make a decision or let someone else's decision dictate what I do, I am revealing that I'm afraid of failing and afraid of succeeding. This might not be how other passive people operate, but for me, it's an indication of deep fear. For me, being passive is a cowardly way of avoiding responsibility. If I don't make the decision, I can't be held responsible. While that mindset points towards a cowardice in me, it also reveals a deep distrust in the heart of God towards me. It shows that I'm still operating out of a performance mentality. God must only be pleased with me because I'm doing things just right and if I choose wrong in this situation, I will be disconnected from Him with no clear way to fix it. I think that's what I must think in times of indecision. I fear that by choosing wrongly and "failing", that God will not stay with me or something. I'm learning that that's not true. God has promised explicitly through the words of Jesus that He will never leave me or forsake me. Even if I choose poorly, or stupidly. Even if I cause a shit-storm of pain and harmful consequences. He will still love me and He will still walk with me through the aftermath. And! What I'm also seeing is the pain and numbness that passivity causes in me. Something dies in us with inactivity. Someone once said to me, "God can't steer a ship that isn't moving." That sounds like it belongs on a church sign... but I can see some deep truth in that. Moving, acting, risking... all these things reveal a deep trust in God's abiding love for us. We aren't afraid to mess up. But if we cower back from decisions, because we're afraid to incur His wrath by choosing incorrectly, OR to mess our lives up and cause ourselves deep pain, we start "losing heart". Literally, our heart starts dying. I don't get why, but it does. Being passive and being passionate, while having similar letters, are almost mutually exclusive. Unless you're passionate about being passive... but then you aren't being passive about being passive... eh, I'm digressing. We have no passion in life if we are afraid to act, to choose. And I read this awhile ago, but it haunted me:
"But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death". Revelation 21:8Now, I'm not good at talking about the wrath of God and I disbelieve strongly in motivating people through fear, but this jumped out at me. Cowardice is in the same list as sexual immorality and murder. (Obviously, there is forgiveness and new life in Jesus Christ, so this isn't intended to cause alarm as to one's salvation or anything). I just never thought of cowardice as something that God didn't like, nor did I consider bravery something to admire or extol. And it's easy to leave the bravery to soldiers and firefighters and leave the cowardice to the Judas's and the Ceasar in Gladiator who stabbed Maximus with the knife before fighting him... But what about our lives? What about the cowardice that keeps a guy doesn't ask a girl out? What about the bravery involved in telling a friend a hard truth of something unhealthy they are doing and sticking around for the backlash and restoration? We don't typically think of our lives that way—at least I don't. What if God is frustrated, no—angry—when we shrink back? Like a father who would be disappointed and hurt if his child didn't do something because of their fear of failing and that it would somehow make their father love them less? What if God would rather have us DO something even if it meant it wasn't best, rather than not making a decision because we couldn't see a safe and comfortable outcome? What if our decision making brings the heart of God deep joy because it belies our unwavering trust that even if this situation doesn't go well, God will walk with us through it? I don't want to live with these kinds of fears anymore...
So this is what I'm learning. Also, in relation to the fear of success which I mentioned earlier, I am not sure why, but something about succeeding, about winning is awkward. I'm not sure if it is a fear that pride will creep in or a fear that succeeding will raise the bar of performance too high for me to continually reach? I haven't figured that part out yet.
I do know this: when we don't grasp how deeply that God loves us, that He has adopted us into His family in the best sense of the word, that He delights in us and nothing we do can separate us from Him, we will always be afraid to succeed or fail. I know I have been. But if I will rest and abide in His loving presence, then I can fail without losing heart and I can succeed without having to find some false humility or bashfully accept compliments. I can accel and falter along the journey, with a freedom and a peace that I am deeply loved regardless. And I think if I lived this way, and if you lived this way, the people around us would see that, the freedom in that, and would want the same thing.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Hearing God
I started reading Dallas Willard's Hearing God, and only on the first page, it was piercing through me, directly to the pains and confusions that have surrounded this idea in my life for years. Here's part of the first page of the preface:
Among our loneliest moments, no doubt, is the time of decision. There the weight of our future life clamps down upon our hearts. Whatever comes from our choice will be our responsibility, our fault. Good things we have set our hearts on become real only as we choose them. But those things, or those as yet undreamed of, may also be irretrievably lost if our choices are misguided. We may find ourselves stuck with failures and dreadful consequences that must be endured for a lifetime.Then quickly there follows the time of second thoughts—and third, and fourth: Did I do the good and wise thing? Is it what God wanted? Is it even what I wanted? Can I live with the consequences? Will others think I am a fool? Is God still with me? Will he be with me even if it becomes clear that I made the wrong choice?
As soon as I read that part, I admit, I had tears running down my face. Those questions are the exact ones that plague me constantly. I'm not sure how I got to this spot, so haunted by what-ifs, so fearful of an unknown future resting on my ignorant decisions. But I'm really looking forward to reading this book. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Desire
"Most of you will by this time have lost a parent, a spouse, even a child. Your hopes for your career have not panned out. Your health has given way. Relationships have turned sour. We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don’t know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. After we’ve taken a few Arrows, dare we even desire? Something in me knows that to kill desire is to kill my heart altogether."
I read this in an email this morning. It speaks so clearly to where my heart is lately. Wrestling with God over my heart and the fear of relationships. I feel like I've been throwing a spiritual temper tantrum, because I can't control things. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt another girl. But I know we can't love without the reality of getting hurt. Love is vulnerable.
Trusting God is a weird thing. In my own life, God's reality has been slowly but surely becoming more personal and real to me. I'm understanding Him more as a person and less of a concept. With that, assenting to facts about Him is shifting to trusting His character and goodness. Relationships are the deepest area of pain in my life, which I'm sure is true for a lot of people. It is really easy to compartmentalize my life and keep the relationship aspect separate from God. It hurts to desire and have that constantly disappointed. And after years of "failed" relationships (several people have pointed out that ALL relationships prior to the person you marry have failed... so they aren't really failing), I start to doubt God's goodness in this area. Or, honestly, my biggest struggle is a lack of something concrete to hope in. It isn't that I don't think God is good, but somehow that His goodness doesn't apply to me in this area. It seems a stretch to me, to trust that God will help me work through these relationship fears and ultimately find love and get married. He never promised that in scripture. So what does it look like to be vulnerable before God, to bring Him my desire and trust that He is good, regardless of if this desire is ever filled? Will He still be good if I stay single for the remainder of my life, never losing the desire to be married? I think so. But that will take a massive shift in perspective... and a lot of grace and strength from God to withstand the on-going disappointment from unmet desire... "Hope deferred makes the heart sick."
But I know that checking out and killing the desire in me is a sure path to despair. Our desires come from God, I think. So it feels like it's a weird waiting, trusting game with Him. But maybe it isn't a game. Maybe He is very intentional and precise and tender with the process. Maybe the timing is crucial to developing us into the people He wants us to be? I'm not sure...
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Self-Worth
I'm stealing this topic from a conversation with a friend recently. Several friends, actually, in various forms, have been discussing this.
How do we maintain a healthy view of our self-worth?
I think it is safe to say, first, that we all, as humans, have intrinsic worth because we were created in the image of God. We wear the stamp of divinity. More than anything else in creation, we resemble God.
Further than that, God likes us. He has a unique love for each of us and He finds joy in all the various idiosyncrasies and mannerisms that we find awkward or alienating. We matter to Him and He delights in who we are. We are all uniquely special to Him, not just as a collective humanity. He chooses us, because He wants us, not because He is obligated to love us even though we might feel unlikable. I think that our over-use of "For God so loved the world" has cheapened the depth and reality of God's love for us. I know for me, it has been a slow process that is still on-going, to believe that God's love is real and personal, not just something He has to do because "God is love". When I really focus on the attention that the God of the universe places on me... I am deeply humbled, comforted and grateful. What is man, that He should notice us? But He does... and His first thought and feeling towards us is infinite tenderness...
Unfortunately, most of us can't hang on to those thoughts consistently. I know I don't. Instead, I am prone to wander, letting my gaze shift to seeking validation from my peers and relationships. And when I do that, I become a taker, not a giver. That's what I'm wrestling with right now. How do I find my self-worth and identity in God? Because when I don't, I start to become insecure, wrestling deeply with whether or not I have anything worth giving to people. I become a slave to being liked. And all my energy goes into performing, jumping through hoops to stay on everyone's good side. That's exhausting.
The more dangerous part, it seems, is to approach dating relationships with this kinda of gaping hole in my self-image. I haven't figured that out yet, so it makes me very, very cautious and hesitant to even consider "getting back on the horse". I have hurt so many girls, because I have blindly stepped into relationships without a firm sense of who I am. I've let their interest in me or affirmation of me soothe my insecurities and validate me, only to find that's a bottomless pit. Oh, to know then what I know now. How many hearts would not be broken? I can say this with confidence: If we try to feel okay about ourselves by being in a relationship, we're setting ourselves up for deep pain. And further than the personal pain we will cause ourselves and that special someone, we are setting that relationship up to be completely narcissistic and impotent for furthering the kingdom of God... It seems so easy to say, but how difficult to live out! Everything about our culture, even within the Church, places so much emphasis on finding a spouse. And it's complicated further because it is a God-given desire for most of us!
I'm pretty sure I will one day be a better husband and father if I learn to daily rest in who I am to God and find my identity in Jesus Christ. Then, from within that deep love and affirmation from the God will never leave me or forsake me, I'll be safe and free to spend my life being vulnerable and trusting and sacrificing, not needing so desperately for people to make me feel liked...
I am treasured by God. So are you. Maybe we need to tell each other this more often, for the times we forget...
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A Hundred Dollars!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Vacation
This only relates to over-thinking in how it will hopefully give me some much needed rest mentally.
I'm going to go on a vacation. By myself.
Not sure where yet. I am single and it is difficult to coordinate work schedules with friends and all that. I'm starting to think that it would do me some good to get away by myself, with some books and my journals and some beautiful scenery, perhaps a vacant beach or log cabin, and do some soul-searching.
Any suggestions of places that I could go? Preferably somewhere I could get to within an 8-hour drive or so from Maryland?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Why John Piper Doesn't Watch TV and Rarely Goes to Movies
"I have a high tolerance for violence, high tolerance for bad language, and zero tolerance for nudity. There is a reason for these differences. The violence is make-believe. They don’t really mean those bad words. But that lady is really naked, and I am really watching. And somewhere she has a brokenhearted father."
This quote is from the most recent email mailing from Desiring God, in which John Piper responded to a question of why he doesn't watch t.v. and rarely watches movies. His answer was much longer, and included other reasons. But this quote leapt off the page at me. It is the direction my heart has been going lately. I am finding more and more aversion to watching any nudity or sexual content in movies. (I don't watch TV on a regular basis, except for The Office or on DVD, like Arrested Development, LOST or Heroes). Violence doesn't bother me, because like Piper said, it isn't real and it doesn't make me want to go crash a car into a helicopter or stab someone with a katana. "Language" doesn't bother me either, because it's all around us. It is just words. Someone can say the "f-word" as an adjective about how unbelievably cool something is (or they could have just said how unbelievably cool it was...) and it doesn't bother me, but if someone calls someone else fat or ugly... THAT bothers me. It is all about the intention behind what is spoken. The word might hold vulgar connotations, and I can understand that, but on the whole, language is just words, and I'm not tempted to say something derogatory about someone else when I hear bad language.
But Piper's quote is money. Nudity and sex affect men in ways that those other things don't. I like how straight-forward Piper is about it: "But that lady is really naked, and I am really watching." It is sad that our culture is so blinded to the power of sex and the beauty of women. I think it is good for us, as Christians, to really consider what we watch and evaluate its benefit to us spiritually. I have found over the course of the past couple of years especially, that it is easier to walk with a clear conscience if I avoid putting that kind of stuff in front of my eyes.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sunsets On Commutes
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Two Roads Diverged...
I question whether I should post when I am discouraged by my over-thinking. It is a particular weakness of mine, to let my thoughts spiral downward when I can't seem to come to a conclusion or decision. I am not prone to spontaneity, I confess. I tend to think a decision to death. I think this is partly due to an underlying hope (read: delusion) that if I wait long enough, the decision will make itself. It does. And the decision is usually extremely painful and I gain nothing from it because I neglected to make a decision.
I've learned this lesson the hard way.
I'm facing some decisions in my life right now that are difficult. They pertain to two areas of my life, in the words of Dashboard Confessional, the places I have come to fear the most.
Conflict and dating.
I am afraid of conflict, because... well, for a lot of reasons. The most spiritual answer, which inevitably remains most true, is that I am more concerned with what other people think of me than of what God thinks. I'm not being too hard on myself when I say this. I am just being practical. The friendships I have and the illusion that everyone likes me tend to guide my decisions more than a deep sense of God's presence in my life and having the integrity to be myself, regardless of the consequences. "Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it" has become a paraphrased quote-turned-mantra that I wish I lived out more consistently. Too often I water myself down, to avoid an argument or misunderstanding. I need to stop this. I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but I can see its devastating effects in my past very clearly. There are other reasons that I'm afraid of conflict, such as it makes me react to emotions rather than ideas, and that's not something I'm good at. I'm sure there are more beyond that, but I can tell the deepest reason is people are much more real to me than God is at times. I suppose that's probably normal.
And I am afraid of dating, because my experiences with dating have left me utterly confused about... just about everything relating to dating. My over-thinking leads me to doubt things and sometimes I can't really tell if I like a girl. That causes a lot of guilt and shame, and then consequently, tends to break girls' hearts when that honesty finally comes out. I am afraid of rejection, but who isn't? I realize that for a long time, I have gravitated towards girls that have shown some interest in me, because the fear of rejection was less of a threat. Instead of initiating relationships, I have responded to them, setting the stage for a losing game of emotional catch-up. I'm glad I can see that now, though it is not without deep regret for the pain I've caused. For me to like a girl, without regard or knowledge of her feelings towards me, and to initiate and pursue her, to put myself out there and express my interest... That is what needs to happen and hasn't happened for a long, long time.* I think that, unless I step up and initiate, I will always fight against the question in my head, "Is this what I really wanted?" I won't go down that path again. So, having repented of that mindset, I have to take the other fork in the proverbial road and consider initiating a relationship. Asking a girl out. And that is beset with all sorts of questions, because it's been so long since I've actually done that. It sounds so embarrassing to confess. And I can tell, it's just one of those things that you have to (excuse me, ladies) grow a pair and ask her out. There's no short-cut to building confidence in this area. There just isn't.
The lyrics to one of the most recent songs I've written are really challenging me lately:
"If you take to flight, there's nowhere you can hide. If you wait to fight, you had your chance. You will not last the night."
I've tried running from conflict, and running from my heart when it gets excited and interested in a girl. I've tried putting off conflict or putting off taking a step in terms of asking a girl out. Neither path has worked so far in my life.
So, I am at another fork in the road. Ol' Robert Frost really captured life well in that poem of his. If I cave in and refuse to face challenges, speak truth, knowingly enter necessary conflict, or express interest in a girl, I will potentially shut down something good in me for an indeterminate amount of time. Or, I can stop putting off change, embrace the awkward, risky stretching process and take the reigns of my life back and head towards love and freedom.
When I put it that way, it sounds really idiotic of me to do anything other than the second option.
I've learned this lesson the hard way.
I'm facing some decisions in my life right now that are difficult. They pertain to two areas of my life, in the words of Dashboard Confessional, the places I have come to fear the most.
Conflict and dating.
I am afraid of conflict, because... well, for a lot of reasons. The most spiritual answer, which inevitably remains most true, is that I am more concerned with what other people think of me than of what God thinks. I'm not being too hard on myself when I say this. I am just being practical. The friendships I have and the illusion that everyone likes me tend to guide my decisions more than a deep sense of God's presence in my life and having the integrity to be myself, regardless of the consequences. "Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it" has become a paraphrased quote-turned-mantra that I wish I lived out more consistently. Too often I water myself down, to avoid an argument or misunderstanding. I need to stop this. I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but I can see its devastating effects in my past very clearly. There are other reasons that I'm afraid of conflict, such as it makes me react to emotions rather than ideas, and that's not something I'm good at. I'm sure there are more beyond that, but I can tell the deepest reason is people are much more real to me than God is at times. I suppose that's probably normal.
And I am afraid of dating, because my experiences with dating have left me utterly confused about... just about everything relating to dating. My over-thinking leads me to doubt things and sometimes I can't really tell if I like a girl. That causes a lot of guilt and shame, and then consequently, tends to break girls' hearts when that honesty finally comes out. I am afraid of rejection, but who isn't? I realize that for a long time, I have gravitated towards girls that have shown some interest in me, because the fear of rejection was less of a threat. Instead of initiating relationships, I have responded to them, setting the stage for a losing game of emotional catch-up. I'm glad I can see that now, though it is not without deep regret for the pain I've caused. For me to like a girl, without regard or knowledge of her feelings towards me, and to initiate and pursue her, to put myself out there and express my interest... That is what needs to happen and hasn't happened for a long, long time.* I think that, unless I step up and initiate, I will always fight against the question in my head, "Is this what I really wanted?" I won't go down that path again. So, having repented of that mindset, I have to take the other fork in the proverbial road and consider initiating a relationship. Asking a girl out. And that is beset with all sorts of questions, because it's been so long since I've actually done that. It sounds so embarrassing to confess. And I can tell, it's just one of those things that you have to (excuse me, ladies) grow a pair and ask her out. There's no short-cut to building confidence in this area. There just isn't.
The lyrics to one of the most recent songs I've written are really challenging me lately:
"If you take to flight, there's nowhere you can hide. If you wait to fight, you had your chance. You will not last the night."
I've tried running from conflict, and running from my heart when it gets excited and interested in a girl. I've tried putting off conflict or putting off taking a step in terms of asking a girl out. Neither path has worked so far in my life.
So, I am at another fork in the road. Ol' Robert Frost really captured life well in that poem of his. If I cave in and refuse to face challenges, speak truth, knowingly enter necessary conflict, or express interest in a girl, I will potentially shut down something good in me for an indeterminate amount of time. Or, I can stop putting off change, embrace the awkward, risky stretching process and take the reigns of my life back and head towards love and freedom.
When I put it that way, it sounds really idiotic of me to do anything other than the second option.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Love Hopes All Things
What does it mean to love someone?
I'm talking about what Jesus meant by, "They will know you are My disciples, by the way you love each other." Is it simply being nice to each other? I know it's more than that. Everyone, regardless of their faith background, cares about those who are nice to them. Is love forgiving the inevitable offenses and pain people will cause us? I think that's part of it.
I think a part of it that I haven't been as aware of is that of hope. If I love someone, I give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope for their best. I have hope that they can and will become better than they currently are. I don't write them off. I don't check out of their lives and let someone else deal with it. Love stays. Love risks getting hurt. Love engages. Love gets messy and won't quit, because it sees beyond the circumstances. It sees hope. "Love hopes all things." I think I am learning that lately. That line from 1 Corinthians 13 stands out in a new way to me.
It is easier to disengage from people when they hurt us. We can say we forgive them, but we take back any piece of ourselves that could get hurt again. I guess I'm starting to question the value of that. I want to be marked by intentional, sacrificial love... And that means seeing the hope in the people around me, that God is working in all of our lives and bringing us closer to Him. He is pruning us, whittling away the dark pieces. And if I can see that hope, then I can stay involved in the people in my life, even if it gets a little rocky at times. And that presence, choosing to stay, when everyone else in that person's life may be checking out, is showing them how God stays with us, when everyone else abandons us. I want people to know the love of God like I have been experiencing more lately... and I think that requires me to live the way Jesus did. Jesus promised that He would never leave or forsake us. He said He won't abandon us. So I think that's an important part of what it means to love each other and show that we are His disciples. As Christians, we are imitators and mimickers of Jesus.
Love sees the hope of a bright future and sticks around, through the hard times, to see it come to pass.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Advice for the Relationship-Challenged
Anyone have any?
You thought you were going to read some pithy insight into the ins and outs of the wild world of dating. Unfortunately, not today, my friend. Unless you go to another blog after this and read something there... And if you do, please come back and post that link in a comment here... Thank you.
On the eve of turning 30 this year, I constantly find myself wrestling with my singleness. Currently, it is self-induced, since I broke up with my last girlfriend and seemingly broke her heart. Especially near the end, I was horrible at communicating the doubts I wrestled with that I didn't even realize were doubts. I just kept trying to "work at it" and assumed my doubts were failings in me that I needed to overcome. Nevertheless, I am single as I approach 30.
That's not a bad thing. I know many people have probably gotten married much later than thirty. I'm pretty sure, statistically, the average age that people get married nowadays is much closer to thirty than I realize. Knowing those things doesn't assuage the subtle fears and anxieties associated with being single at a fairly decent-sized milestone in life. And my problem is less about the specifics of being married by the time I'm 30 or anything like that. It is that, as I approach this milestone, which for so many seems a point of stability, maturity and growth, I am faced with the glaring reality that I suck at dating. Many might encourage me to "get back up on the horse", etc. but that's my problem. After falling off so many horses, getting trampled on by so many horses and breaking so many horses' hearts, a deep fear of horses has crept in...
There's a lot of fear and hopelessness in my heart, I have to confess. It's not really rooted in an incorrect and destructive self-image, but in the absence of help. No one ever instructed, encouraged, walked with me through the process of dating, back when it is normal and okay for it to be awkward and clumsy. You're supposed to figure that stuff out in junior-high and high school, not at 30, you know? And now, how do I figure that out? How do I avoid all the things that ran girls off, with words of, "You're a wonderful guy, but..."? How do I avoid all the heartache and heart-breaking? I know some people would say that's just part of the process of loving someone. I understand that, but unfortunately, when you keep trying something on your own and keep failing and being deeply hurt by it and hurting others, and there's no one to show you how to do it correctly, it's nearly impossible for that desire to stay alive. That risk seems natural and makes sense, rationally. But to ask your heart to keep risking, in the face of a long history of failed relationships and heartbreak?
I haven't gone over the edge of giving up yet. I'm just trying to be honest with myself about where my fears are coming from. I'm almost thirty and I'm afraid of dating, because it has never gone well so far. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I feel like, in the rest of my life, I am growing and learning and stepping into a life of victory, freedom and passion. It's exciting and encouraging to my spirit. And then there's this little corner called romantic relationships... the dark hole of my life.
So, how do I ... I don't even know what to ask when it comes to this. The Bible is silent on how to date. It's a cultural phenomenon that didn't exist back then. My parents did get me two books on relationships for Christmas this past year, after breaking up with my girlfriend... I think they are starting to worry! =) Most of the content in the books dealt with how to help a relationship grow and stay healthy. I seem to have issues beginning a relationship. And, thankfully, I have had a revelation of sorts, that I have consistently gotten into relationships where I sensed that there was already interest on the girls' part, so there was no threat of rejection. That was a light bulb going on, because I think that became the seed of doubt in my mind, "Is this what I really wanted?" That thought caused such guilt and confusion. But it was all rooted in being hurt and rejected so much when I was younger, that I stopped pursuing the girls I liked and just kinda waited and responded to girls that expressed interest in me... I hate to admit that, because it seems so cowardly and passive. But call it what it is. Thankfully, that's in the past and I can see that pattern in my life very clearly. God willing, I will have open eyes not to repeat those mistakes again...
So, to conclude this personal foray into my deep fears associated with dating, I will end with this. I do want to get married. I'm not totally freaked out that I'm turning 30 and still single. I am wrestling with how to overcome the deep fears and resignation. I could use some help, though I'm not sure where it will come from. It's humbling, very humbling, to admit I feel awkward, clumsy and ignorant about the basics of working up the courage to ask a girl out or what to talk about on those early dates when you're just getting to know each other. I just don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. And in the meantime, I'm going to keep pursuing a deeper experience/relationship with God and seek to keep growing as a person and becoming more like Jesus. And trust that God will help me work through all these dating fears soon... I mean, come on, I'm almost thirty, God! Times running out!
You thought you were going to read some pithy insight into the ins and outs of the wild world of dating. Unfortunately, not today, my friend. Unless you go to another blog after this and read something there... And if you do, please come back and post that link in a comment here... Thank you.
On the eve of turning 30 this year, I constantly find myself wrestling with my singleness. Currently, it is self-induced, since I broke up with my last girlfriend and seemingly broke her heart. Especially near the end, I was horrible at communicating the doubts I wrestled with that I didn't even realize were doubts. I just kept trying to "work at it" and assumed my doubts were failings in me that I needed to overcome. Nevertheless, I am single as I approach 30.
That's not a bad thing. I know many people have probably gotten married much later than thirty. I'm pretty sure, statistically, the average age that people get married nowadays is much closer to thirty than I realize. Knowing those things doesn't assuage the subtle fears and anxieties associated with being single at a fairly decent-sized milestone in life. And my problem is less about the specifics of being married by the time I'm 30 or anything like that. It is that, as I approach this milestone, which for so many seems a point of stability, maturity and growth, I am faced with the glaring reality that I suck at dating. Many might encourage me to "get back up on the horse", etc. but that's my problem. After falling off so many horses, getting trampled on by so many horses and breaking so many horses' hearts, a deep fear of horses has crept in...
There's a lot of fear and hopelessness in my heart, I have to confess. It's not really rooted in an incorrect and destructive self-image, but in the absence of help. No one ever instructed, encouraged, walked with me through the process of dating, back when it is normal and okay for it to be awkward and clumsy. You're supposed to figure that stuff out in junior-high and high school, not at 30, you know? And now, how do I figure that out? How do I avoid all the things that ran girls off, with words of, "You're a wonderful guy, but..."? How do I avoid all the heartache and heart-breaking? I know some people would say that's just part of the process of loving someone. I understand that, but unfortunately, when you keep trying something on your own and keep failing and being deeply hurt by it and hurting others, and there's no one to show you how to do it correctly, it's nearly impossible for that desire to stay alive. That risk seems natural and makes sense, rationally. But to ask your heart to keep risking, in the face of a long history of failed relationships and heartbreak?
I haven't gone over the edge of giving up yet. I'm just trying to be honest with myself about where my fears are coming from. I'm almost thirty and I'm afraid of dating, because it has never gone well so far. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I feel like, in the rest of my life, I am growing and learning and stepping into a life of victory, freedom and passion. It's exciting and encouraging to my spirit. And then there's this little corner called romantic relationships... the dark hole of my life.
So, how do I ... I don't even know what to ask when it comes to this. The Bible is silent on how to date. It's a cultural phenomenon that didn't exist back then. My parents did get me two books on relationships for Christmas this past year, after breaking up with my girlfriend... I think they are starting to worry! =) Most of the content in the books dealt with how to help a relationship grow and stay healthy. I seem to have issues beginning a relationship. And, thankfully, I have had a revelation of sorts, that I have consistently gotten into relationships where I sensed that there was already interest on the girls' part, so there was no threat of rejection. That was a light bulb going on, because I think that became the seed of doubt in my mind, "Is this what I really wanted?" That thought caused such guilt and confusion. But it was all rooted in being hurt and rejected so much when I was younger, that I stopped pursuing the girls I liked and just kinda waited and responded to girls that expressed interest in me... I hate to admit that, because it seems so cowardly and passive. But call it what it is. Thankfully, that's in the past and I can see that pattern in my life very clearly. God willing, I will have open eyes not to repeat those mistakes again...
So, to conclude this personal foray into my deep fears associated with dating, I will end with this. I do want to get married. I'm not totally freaked out that I'm turning 30 and still single. I am wrestling with how to overcome the deep fears and resignation. I could use some help, though I'm not sure where it will come from. It's humbling, very humbling, to admit I feel awkward, clumsy and ignorant about the basics of working up the courage to ask a girl out or what to talk about on those early dates when you're just getting to know each other. I just don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. And in the meantime, I'm going to keep pursuing a deeper experience/relationship with God and seek to keep growing as a person and becoming more like Jesus. And trust that God will help me work through all these dating fears soon... I mean, come on, I'm almost thirty, God! Times running out!
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