Desire

"Most of you will by this time have lost a parent, a spouse, even a child. Your hopes for your career have not panned out. Your health has given way. Relationships have turned sour. We all know the dilemma of desire, how awful it feels to open our hearts to joy, only to have grief come in. They go together. We know that. What we don’t know is what to do with it, how to live in this world with desire so deep in us and disappointment lurking behind every corner. After we’ve taken a few Arrows, dare we even desire? Something in me knows that to kill desire is to kill my heart altogether."

I read this in an email this morning. It speaks so clearly to where my heart is lately. Wrestling with God over my heart and the fear of relationships. I feel like I've been throwing a spiritual temper tantrum, because I can't control things. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt another girl. But I know we can't love without the reality of getting hurt. Love is vulnerable.

Trusting God is a weird thing. In my own life, God's reality has been slowly but surely becoming more personal and real to me. I'm understanding Him more as a person and less of a concept. With that, assenting to facts about Him is shifting to trusting His character and goodness. Relationships are the deepest area of pain in my life, which I'm sure is true for a lot of people. It is really easy to compartmentalize my life and keep the relationship aspect separate from God. It hurts to desire and have that constantly disappointed. And after years of "failed" relationships (several people have pointed out that ALL relationships prior to the person you marry have failed... so they aren't really failing), I start to doubt God's goodness in this area. Or, honestly, my biggest struggle is a lack of something concrete to hope in. It isn't that I don't think God is good, but somehow that His goodness doesn't apply to me in this area. It seems a stretch to me, to trust that God will help me work through these relationship fears and ultimately find love and get married. He never promised that in scripture. So what does it look like to be vulnerable before God, to bring Him my desire and trust that He is good, regardless of if this desire is ever filled? Will He still be good if I stay single for the remainder of my life, never losing the desire to be married? I think so. But that will take a massive shift in perspective... and a lot of grace and strength from God to withstand the on-going disappointment from unmet desire... "Hope deferred makes the heart sick."

But I know that checking out and killing the desire in me is a sure path to despair. Our desires come from God, I think. So it feels like it's a weird waiting, trusting game with Him. But maybe it isn't a game. Maybe He is very intentional and precise and tender with the process. Maybe the timing is crucial to developing us into the people He wants us to be? I'm not sure...

Two Roads Diverged...

I question whether I should post when I am discouraged by my over-thinking. It is a particular weakness of mine, to let my thoughts spiral downward when I can't seem to come to a conclusion or decision. I am not prone to spontaneity, I confess. I tend to think a decision to death. I think this is partly due to an underlying hope (read: delusion) that if I wait long enough, the decision will make itself. It does. And the decision is usually extremely painful and I gain nothing from it because I neglected to make a decision.

I've learned this lesson the hard way.

I'm facing some decisions in my life right now that are difficult. They pertain to two areas of my life, in the words of Dashboard Confessional, the places I have come to fear the most.

Conflict and dating.

I am afraid of conflict, because... well, for a lot of reasons. The most spiritual answer, which inevitably remains most true, is that I am more concerned with what other people think of me than of what God thinks. I'm not being too hard on myself when I say this. I am just being practical. The friendships I have and the illusion that everyone likes me tend to guide my decisions more than a deep sense of God's presence in my life and having the integrity to be myself, regardless of the consequences. "Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it" has become a paraphrased quote-turned-mantra that I wish I lived out more consistently. Too often I water myself down, to avoid an argument or misunderstanding. I need to stop this. I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but I can see its devastating effects in my past very clearly. There are other reasons that I'm afraid of conflict, such as it makes me react to emotions rather than ideas, and that's not something I'm good at. I'm sure there are more beyond that, but I can tell the deepest reason is people are much more real to me than God is at times. I suppose that's probably normal.

And I am afraid of dating, because my experiences with dating have left me utterly confused about... just about everything relating to dating. My over-thinking leads me to doubt things and sometimes I can't really tell if I like a girl. That causes a lot of guilt and shame, and then consequently, tends to break girls' hearts when that honesty finally comes out. I am afraid of rejection, but who isn't? I realize that for a long time, I have gravitated towards girls that have shown some interest in me, because the fear of rejection was less of a threat. Instead of initiating relationships, I have responded to them, setting the stage for a losing game of emotional catch-up. I'm glad I can see that now, though it is not without deep regret for the pain I've caused. For me to like a girl, without regard or knowledge of her feelings towards me, and to initiate and pursue her, to put myself out there and express my interest... That is what needs to happen and hasn't happened for a long, long time.* I think that, unless I step up and initiate, I will always fight against the question in my head, "Is this what I really wanted?" I won't go down that path again. So, having repented of that mindset, I have to take the other fork in the proverbial road and consider initiating a relationship. Asking a girl out. And that is beset with all sorts of questions, because it's been so long since I've actually done that. It sounds so embarrassing to confess. And I can tell, it's just one of those things that you have to (excuse me, ladies) grow a pair and ask her out. There's no short-cut to building confidence in this area. There just isn't.

The lyrics to one of the most recent songs I've written are really challenging me lately:

"If you take to flight, there's nowhere you can hide. If you wait to fight, you had your chance. You will not last the night."

I've tried running from conflict, and running from my heart when it gets excited and interested in a girl. I've tried putting off conflict or putting off taking a step in terms of asking a girl out. Neither path has worked so far in my life.

So, I am at another fork in the road. Ol' Robert Frost really captured life well in that poem of his. If I cave in and refuse to face challenges, speak truth, knowingly enter necessary conflict, or express interest in a girl, I will potentially shut down something good in me for an indeterminate amount of time. Or, I can stop putting off change, embrace the awkward, risky stretching process and take the reigns of my life back and head towards love and freedom.

When I put it that way, it sounds really idiotic of me to do anything other than the second option.

Love Hopes All Things

What does it mean to love someone?

I'm talking about what Jesus meant by, "They will know you are My disciples, by the way you love each other." Is it simply being nice to each other? I know it's more than that. Everyone, regardless of their faith background, cares about those who are nice to them. Is love forgiving the inevitable offenses and pain people will cause us? I think that's part of it.

I think a part of it that I haven't been as aware of is that of hope. If I love someone, I give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope for their best. I have hope that they can and will become better than they currently are. I don't write them off. I don't check out of their lives and let someone else deal with it. Love stays. Love risks getting hurt. Love engages. Love gets messy and won't quit, because it sees beyond the circumstances. It sees hope. "Love hopes all things." I think I am learning that lately. That line from 1 Corinthians 13 stands out in a new way to me.

It is easier to disengage from people when they hurt us. We can say we forgive them, but we take back any piece of ourselves that could get hurt again. I guess I'm starting to question the value of that. I want to be marked by intentional, sacrificial love... And that means seeing the hope in the people around me, that God is working in all of our lives and bringing us closer to Him. He is pruning us, whittling away the dark pieces. And if I can see that hope, then I can stay involved in the people in my life, even if it gets a little rocky at times. And that presence, choosing to stay, when everyone else in that person's life may be checking out, is showing them how God stays with us, when everyone else abandons us. I want people to know the love of God like I have been experiencing more lately... and I think that requires me to live the way Jesus did. Jesus promised that He would never leave or forsake us. He said He won't abandon us. So I think that's an important part of what it means to love each other and show that we are His disciples. As Christians, we are imitators and mimickers of Jesus.

Love sees the hope of a bright future and sticks around, through the hard times, to see it come to pass.

Advice for the Relationship-Challenged

Anyone have any?

You thought you were going to read some pithy insight into the ins and outs of the wild world of dating. Unfortunately, not today, my friend. Unless you go to another blog after this and read something there... And if you do, please come back and post that link in a comment here... Thank you.

On the eve of turning 30 this year, I constantly find myself wrestling with my singleness. Currently, it is self-induced, since I broke up with my last girlfriend and seemingly broke her heart. Especially near the end, I was horrible at communicating the doubts I wrestled with that I didn't even realize were doubts. I just kept trying to "work at it" and assumed my doubts were failings in me that I needed to overcome. Nevertheless, I am single as I approach 30.

That's not a bad thing. I know many people have probably gotten married much later than thirty. I'm pretty sure, statistically, the average age that people get married nowadays is much closer to thirty than I realize. Knowing those things doesn't assuage the subtle fears and anxieties associated with being single at a fairly decent-sized milestone in life. And my problem is less about the specifics of being married by the time I'm 30 or anything like that. It is that, as I approach this milestone, which for so many seems a point of stability, maturity and growth, I am faced with the glaring reality that I suck at dating. Many might encourage me to "get back up on the horse", etc. but that's my problem. After falling off so many horses, getting trampled on by so many horses and breaking so many horses' hearts, a deep fear of horses has crept in...

There's a lot of fear and hopelessness in my heart, I have to confess. It's not really rooted in an incorrect and destructive self-image, but in the absence of help. No one ever instructed, encouraged, walked with me through the process of dating, back when it is normal and okay for it to be awkward and clumsy. You're supposed to figure that stuff out in junior-high and high school, not at 30, you know? And now, how do I figure that out? How do I avoid all the things that ran girls off, with words of, "You're a wonderful guy, but..."? How do I avoid all the heartache and heart-breaking? I know some people would say that's just part of the process of loving someone. I understand that, but unfortunately, when you keep trying something on your own and keep failing and being deeply hurt by it and hurting others, and there's no one to show you how to do it correctly, it's nearly impossible for that desire to stay alive. That risk seems natural and makes sense, rationally. But to ask your heart to keep risking, in the face of a long history of failed relationships and heartbreak?

I haven't gone over the edge of giving up yet. I'm just trying to be honest with myself about where my fears are coming from. I'm almost thirty and I'm afraid of dating, because it has never gone well so far. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I feel like, in the rest of my life, I am growing and learning and stepping into a life of victory, freedom and passion. It's exciting and encouraging to my spirit. And then there's this little corner called romantic relationships... the dark hole of my life.

So, how do I ... I don't even know what to ask when it comes to this. The Bible is silent on how to date. It's a cultural phenomenon that didn't exist back then. My parents did get me two books on relationships for Christmas this past year, after breaking up with my girlfriend... I think they are starting to worry! =) Most of the content in the books dealt with how to help a relationship grow and stay healthy. I seem to have issues beginning a relationship. And, thankfully, I have had a revelation of sorts, that I have consistently gotten into relationships where I sensed that there was already interest on the girls' part, so there was no threat of rejection. That was a light bulb going on, because I think that became the seed of doubt in my mind, "Is this what I really wanted?" That thought caused such guilt and confusion. But it was all rooted in being hurt and rejected so much when I was younger, that I stopped pursuing the girls I liked and just kinda waited and responded to girls that expressed interest in me... I hate to admit that, because it seems so cowardly and passive. But call it what it is. Thankfully, that's in the past and I can see that pattern in my life very clearly. God willing, I will have open eyes not to repeat those mistakes again...

So, to conclude this personal foray into my deep fears associated with dating, I will end with this. I do want to get married. I'm not totally freaked out that I'm turning 30 and still single. I am wrestling with how to overcome the deep fears and resignation. I could use some help, though I'm not sure where it will come from. It's humbling, very humbling, to admit I feel awkward, clumsy and ignorant about the basics of working up the courage to ask a girl out or what to talk about on those early dates when you're just getting to know each other. I just don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. And in the meantime, I'm going to keep pursuing a deeper experience/relationship with God and seek to keep growing as a person and becoming more like Jesus. And trust that God will help me work through all these dating fears soon... I mean, come on, I'm almost thirty, God! Times running out!