Showing posts with label miscellaneous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscellaneous. Show all posts
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sunsets On Commutes
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Three Decades (part 2)
This post is probably going to be fairly personal. Just warning you!
Part of the heightened emotions surrounding the end of my twenties comes due to being single. I'll just be honest about that. But before you simply check out or stop reading, let me qualify where those thoughts are coming from. To my chagrin, I've definitely allowed myself, in some measure, to define myself by my "singleness" and I realize that's not healthy. At all. Our culture has done a bang-up job of insinuating that a relationship will make us happy. And I'm sure it will! But the insidious part is that the converse (...inverse?) of that has also been whispered to our hearts, "Without a relationship, you'll never be truly happy." So we attempt to be composed and confident, while beneath the surface, we live with a haunting desperation of finding someone to make us happy. And so long as we allow that mentality to make its home in our hearts, I don't think we will ever be truly happy. I know I've believed and lived with this—not consciously, of course! I would never admit to agreeing with this mentality. But, actions speak louder than words and what we DO reflects what we actually BELIEVE.
And so I have to confess my idolatry. I've made an idol out of being married. God wants what's best for us... and that's Him. He knows I want to get married and enjoy all that comes with that, but if that is more important to me than being close to the heart of God, then something has begun a dangerous shift. No marriage is perfect and no human is strong enough or faithful enough to warrant the full weight of our hope. Only God can bear that. I feel like I'm just learning this, so I can't say I've arrived. But I'm seeing how quickly my emotions can get the best of me as I let a disappointment here or a lonely thought there begin to suggest that I need to do something about this singleness. Instead of enjoying the heart of God my Father, His love for me and this gift of life, I start clawing and scheming and fretting over whether I'll ever get married. And as soon as I take my eyes of Jesus in that sense, the subtle lies and accusations start streaming in. You'll never find someone. You're awkward and inadequate. Your heart will get broken, it's not worth it. It doesn't matter what you try, you'll screw it up. Look at all the hurt you've caused girls over the years. And like a forest fire unrestrained, those thoughts will get the better of me. All because I let my source of hope shift from a faithful, loving God to the potential circumstance of being married.
In the past few days, some cracks have formed and I let some of those lies start creeping in. Thankfully, through some blunt, but encouraging, conversation, I was yanked up to the surface with the reminder to find my hope in God. Is that just Christian mumbo-jumbo? I don't think so. I don't need to neglect my desires. God knows my heart. But He also knows that He can be faithful to me in a way that no human relationship will be able to. And that's why I was created for. So, single or not, I want to learn to find peace and joy and love in God and the person He's made me to be and the life He's given me to live. He knows my heart's desire to find and share the love between a husband and a wife. Part of this whole thing is to trust God's heart, as a good Father, and put my hope in Him, rather than in my attempts at controlling and striving to find a wife, etc. There's a whole slew of character traits and fears and wounds and insecurities that I know I still need to work through, so even though I'll be thirty soon, I am taking my hands off this. That's not neglecting or ignoring the desires. I'm just simply surrendering the angst and the desperation.
We only have the present. I don't want to miss out on the things going on around me because I'm pining away for something in an uncertain future. I don't know if it's a matter of "It'll come to you when you're ready" or "When you are content with being single, then God will bring her your way" or any of that cliché cow dung, but I know that God loves us and our greatest joy and deepest need is to find our satisfaction and joy in Him, and trust that He will give us the other good gifts when the time is best. I know marriage isn't easy. I'm sure it's that much harder if we come to it with our deepest hopes riding on the marriage to make us happy. If instead, we come to it with gratitude and humility, rather than entitlement and idolatry, we will be able to enjoy and serve and forgive our spouse with so much freedom and life, because our sense of identity and our happiness is not riding on how the other person makes us feel.
Who knows! I'm not married, so I can't speak with too much authority on this, but nevertheless, it is deeply restful to back off and re-center my thoughts. The reminder to put my hope in God, not marriage, was perfectly timed. Life has so much to offer and we all have so much to give. If we buy into our culture's lie that we are second-class people so long as we are single, we will miss out on so much. I'm not pretending marriage doesn't sound wonderful, with the companionship, intimacy, sex, friendship and all that, but I won't let that deceive me into thinking that without it, life can't be full. Jesus said He came to give us abundant life... and He didn't follow that up by announcing www.kingdommatchup.com or something. Full and satisfying life is found in Him. I'm gonna start there. If marriage is down the road, I think I'll be able to appreciate it much more if I'm already coming from a place of deep contentment and fulfillment. I'll be able to give from a deep well, rather than clinging and taking...
30, you don't scare me none.
Part of the heightened emotions surrounding the end of my twenties comes due to being single. I'll just be honest about that. But before you simply check out or stop reading, let me qualify where those thoughts are coming from. To my chagrin, I've definitely allowed myself, in some measure, to define myself by my "singleness" and I realize that's not healthy. At all. Our culture has done a bang-up job of insinuating that a relationship will make us happy. And I'm sure it will! But the insidious part is that the converse (...inverse?) of that has also been whispered to our hearts, "Without a relationship, you'll never be truly happy." So we attempt to be composed and confident, while beneath the surface, we live with a haunting desperation of finding someone to make us happy. And so long as we allow that mentality to make its home in our hearts, I don't think we will ever be truly happy. I know I've believed and lived with this—not consciously, of course! I would never admit to agreeing with this mentality. But, actions speak louder than words and what we DO reflects what we actually BELIEVE.
And so I have to confess my idolatry. I've made an idol out of being married. God wants what's best for us... and that's Him. He knows I want to get married and enjoy all that comes with that, but if that is more important to me than being close to the heart of God, then something has begun a dangerous shift. No marriage is perfect and no human is strong enough or faithful enough to warrant the full weight of our hope. Only God can bear that. I feel like I'm just learning this, so I can't say I've arrived. But I'm seeing how quickly my emotions can get the best of me as I let a disappointment here or a lonely thought there begin to suggest that I need to do something about this singleness. Instead of enjoying the heart of God my Father, His love for me and this gift of life, I start clawing and scheming and fretting over whether I'll ever get married. And as soon as I take my eyes of Jesus in that sense, the subtle lies and accusations start streaming in. You'll never find someone. You're awkward and inadequate. Your heart will get broken, it's not worth it. It doesn't matter what you try, you'll screw it up. Look at all the hurt you've caused girls over the years. And like a forest fire unrestrained, those thoughts will get the better of me. All because I let my source of hope shift from a faithful, loving God to the potential circumstance of being married.
In the past few days, some cracks have formed and I let some of those lies start creeping in. Thankfully, through some blunt, but encouraging, conversation, I was yanked up to the surface with the reminder to find my hope in God. Is that just Christian mumbo-jumbo? I don't think so. I don't need to neglect my desires. God knows my heart. But He also knows that He can be faithful to me in a way that no human relationship will be able to. And that's why I was created for. So, single or not, I want to learn to find peace and joy and love in God and the person He's made me to be and the life He's given me to live. He knows my heart's desire to find and share the love between a husband and a wife. Part of this whole thing is to trust God's heart, as a good Father, and put my hope in Him, rather than in my attempts at controlling and striving to find a wife, etc. There's a whole slew of character traits and fears and wounds and insecurities that I know I still need to work through, so even though I'll be thirty soon, I am taking my hands off this. That's not neglecting or ignoring the desires. I'm just simply surrendering the angst and the desperation.
We only have the present. I don't want to miss out on the things going on around me because I'm pining away for something in an uncertain future. I don't know if it's a matter of "It'll come to you when you're ready" or "When you are content with being single, then God will bring her your way" or any of that cliché cow dung, but I know that God loves us and our greatest joy and deepest need is to find our satisfaction and joy in Him, and trust that He will give us the other good gifts when the time is best. I know marriage isn't easy. I'm sure it's that much harder if we come to it with our deepest hopes riding on the marriage to make us happy. If instead, we come to it with gratitude and humility, rather than entitlement and idolatry, we will be able to enjoy and serve and forgive our spouse with so much freedom and life, because our sense of identity and our happiness is not riding on how the other person makes us feel.
Who knows! I'm not married, so I can't speak with too much authority on this, but nevertheless, it is deeply restful to back off and re-center my thoughts. The reminder to put my hope in God, not marriage, was perfectly timed. Life has so much to offer and we all have so much to give. If we buy into our culture's lie that we are second-class people so long as we are single, we will miss out on so much. I'm not pretending marriage doesn't sound wonderful, with the companionship, intimacy, sex, friendship and all that, but I won't let that deceive me into thinking that without it, life can't be full. Jesus said He came to give us abundant life... and He didn't follow that up by announcing www.kingdommatchup.com or something. Full and satisfying life is found in Him. I'm gonna start there. If marriage is down the road, I think I'll be able to appreciate it much more if I'm already coming from a place of deep contentment and fulfillment. I'll be able to give from a deep well, rather than clinging and taking...
30, you don't scare me none.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Three Decades (part 1)
I turn 30 this year. In 4 months and 3 days. That sounds weird to say it like that, as if I've been keeping a countdown. I haven't, I swear! I only listed that down to the day, because today is June 1st and my birthday is October 4th. After counting off July, August, September and October on my fingers, it was pretty easy to just add the "3 days" to the end of that. I digress...
30 is one of those big milestone years. I won't be a 20-something anymore. It was weird to progress up through the twenties. Hitting 24 and feeling the weight of entering the post-college "mid-twenties", hitting the "late-twenties" at 27 and seeing 30 crest the horizon, thinking to myself, "Where the hell did you come from?!" And now, I've got four months and three days before my twenties become a piece of nostalgia.
How do people navigate these decade markers? I wouldn't say I'm scared to turn thirty. Honestly, on the inside, I don't feel much different than when I was 20. I'm still figuring out who I am. I'm still asking a lot of the same questions, though lately they are more refined and specific... and pressing. There's an urgency to the thoughts and questions, spurred on by a deep desire not to waste this life. But aside from the intensified questions, I am surprised by how little feels different. I know our character grows and deepens, and that is often hard for us to detect those subtle changes. I know they are there. The experiences we go through are constantly shaping us, and I believe God is constantly whittling away at our false identities and walls and charades to get to our hearts and make us look like Jesus. He's promised that He won't quit on us. He won't back out when it is difficult and He won't leave us on our own to figure it out. I'm thankful for that, and I'm deeply grateful that I can see that now, on the brink of 30. I have a feeling that I will need to remember that promise when life starts to get really difficult and painful, which it inevitably will.
So, though I'm not kirking out about turning 30, those deeper questions remain and there's a cautious, budding sense of hope at this next season of life. What will my 30's bring? A sense of purpose and direction? A vision for what I want my life to look like? Marriage? Death of loved ones? A big geographical move? Getting out of debt? Beyond those specifics, though, what will make my 30's a success?...
One of the things I have learned in the latter months of my second decade and continue to be reminded of daily, is that it is truly one step at a time. It isn't bad to think, plan and dream about what the future may bring, but I am not promised that I will ever see my 30th birthday. I can borrow a lot of anxiety and fear and "what ifs" from tomorrow and tomorrow may not come. So I want to live well now. A good friend replied, in the face of questions about why Christianity seems so complex sometimes, "Love the face in front of you." So simple, yet so difficult. But so true. Love the face in front of you. Jesus said in Matthew 25, "You were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things." I'm learning to start small. I think Mother Theresa said it, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So if I am given another 4 months and 3 days, I really want love to be the defining characteristic of my life. I have a lot to learn.
But thankfully, I am not alone in learning it. None of us are.
30 is one of those big milestone years. I won't be a 20-something anymore. It was weird to progress up through the twenties. Hitting 24 and feeling the weight of entering the post-college "mid-twenties", hitting the "late-twenties" at 27 and seeing 30 crest the horizon, thinking to myself, "Where the hell did you come from?!" And now, I've got four months and three days before my twenties become a piece of nostalgia.
How do people navigate these decade markers? I wouldn't say I'm scared to turn thirty. Honestly, on the inside, I don't feel much different than when I was 20. I'm still figuring out who I am. I'm still asking a lot of the same questions, though lately they are more refined and specific... and pressing. There's an urgency to the thoughts and questions, spurred on by a deep desire not to waste this life. But aside from the intensified questions, I am surprised by how little feels different. I know our character grows and deepens, and that is often hard for us to detect those subtle changes. I know they are there. The experiences we go through are constantly shaping us, and I believe God is constantly whittling away at our false identities and walls and charades to get to our hearts and make us look like Jesus. He's promised that He won't quit on us. He won't back out when it is difficult and He won't leave us on our own to figure it out. I'm thankful for that, and I'm deeply grateful that I can see that now, on the brink of 30. I have a feeling that I will need to remember that promise when life starts to get really difficult and painful, which it inevitably will.
So, though I'm not kirking out about turning 30, those deeper questions remain and there's a cautious, budding sense of hope at this next season of life. What will my 30's bring? A sense of purpose and direction? A vision for what I want my life to look like? Marriage? Death of loved ones? A big geographical move? Getting out of debt? Beyond those specifics, though, what will make my 30's a success?...
One of the things I have learned in the latter months of my second decade and continue to be reminded of daily, is that it is truly one step at a time. It isn't bad to think, plan and dream about what the future may bring, but I am not promised that I will ever see my 30th birthday. I can borrow a lot of anxiety and fear and "what ifs" from tomorrow and tomorrow may not come. So I want to live well now. A good friend replied, in the face of questions about why Christianity seems so complex sometimes, "Love the face in front of you." So simple, yet so difficult. But so true. Love the face in front of you. Jesus said in Matthew 25, "You were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things." I'm learning to start small. I think Mother Theresa said it, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So if I am given another 4 months and 3 days, I really want love to be the defining characteristic of my life. I have a lot to learn.
But thankfully, I am not alone in learning it. None of us are.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Photo Show and Tag
I was tagged by my old friend Gina yesterday (old as in known-for-a-long-time, not elderly).
1) Go to your documents/pictures
This is a picture I took from my phone, while I was sitting in the back of my dad's Mustang. We are sitting on the side of the road, on rt. 107, because we got pulled over. Scotty and Danielle were following in his Mustang, and we all assumed that the cop just thought the cars were cool, because he didn't give my dad a ticket and said that he had "a tail light out" or something like that.
Consider yourself tagged:
1. John
2. Danielle
3. Adam
4. May
5. Jake
6. Andy K.
Most of you don't have blogs... consider this an incentive. Your thoughts are valuable. Share them.
1) Go to your documents/pictures
2) Go to your 6th file/folder
3) Go to your 6th picture
4) Blog about it
5) Tag 6 people to do the same
This is a picture I took from my phone, while I was sitting in the back of my dad's Mustang. We are sitting on the side of the road, on rt. 107, because we got pulled over. Scotty and Danielle were following in his Mustang, and we all assumed that the cop just thought the cars were cool, because he didn't give my dad a ticket and said that he had "a tail light out" or something like that.
Consider yourself tagged:
1. John
2. Danielle
3. Adam
4. May
5. Jake
6. Andy K.
Most of you don't have blogs... consider this an incentive. Your thoughts are valuable. Share them.
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