Why John Piper Doesn't Watch TV and Rarely Goes to Movies

"I have a high tolerance for violence, high tolerance for bad language, and zero tolerance for nudity. There is a reason for these differences. The violence is make-believe. They don’t really mean those bad words. But that lady is really naked, and I am really watching. And somewhere she has a brokenhearted father."

This quote is from the most recent email mailing from Desiring God, in which John Piper responded to a question of why he doesn't watch t.v. and rarely watches movies. His answer was much longer, and included other reasons. But this quote leapt off the page at me. It is the direction my heart has been going lately. I am finding more and more aversion to watching any nudity or sexual content in movies. (I don't watch TV on a regular basis, except for The Office or on DVD, like Arrested Development, LOST or Heroes). Violence doesn't bother me, because like Piper said, it isn't real and it doesn't make me want to go crash a car into a helicopter or stab someone with a katana. "Language" doesn't bother me either, because it's all around us. It is just words. Someone can say the "f-word" as an adjective about how unbelievably cool something is (or they could have just said how unbelievably cool it was...) and it doesn't bother me, but if someone calls someone else fat or ugly... THAT bothers me. It is all about the intention behind what is spoken. The word might hold vulgar connotations, and I can understand that, but on the whole, language is just words, and I'm not tempted to say something derogatory about someone else when I hear bad language.

But Piper's quote is money. Nudity and sex affect men in ways that those other things don't. I like how straight-forward Piper is about it: "But that lady is really naked, and I am really watching." It is sad that our culture is so blinded to the power of sex and the beauty of women. I think it is good for us, as Christians, to really consider what we watch and evaluate its benefit to us spiritually. I have found over the course of the past couple of years especially, that it is easier to walk with a clear conscience if I avoid putting that kind of stuff in front of my eyes.

Blue Skies

Another sky photo from yesterday's commute.

Sunsets On Commutes

I like to take pictures of the sky on my commute home from work. something about the sky makes me feel small, but loved by God.

Two Roads Diverged...

I question whether I should post when I am discouraged by my over-thinking. It is a particular weakness of mine, to let my thoughts spiral downward when I can't seem to come to a conclusion or decision. I am not prone to spontaneity, I confess. I tend to think a decision to death. I think this is partly due to an underlying hope (read: delusion) that if I wait long enough, the decision will make itself. It does. And the decision is usually extremely painful and I gain nothing from it because I neglected to make a decision.

I've learned this lesson the hard way.

I'm facing some decisions in my life right now that are difficult. They pertain to two areas of my life, in the words of Dashboard Confessional, the places I have come to fear the most.

Conflict and dating.

I am afraid of conflict, because... well, for a lot of reasons. The most spiritual answer, which inevitably remains most true, is that I am more concerned with what other people think of me than of what God thinks. I'm not being too hard on myself when I say this. I am just being practical. The friendships I have and the illusion that everyone likes me tend to guide my decisions more than a deep sense of God's presence in my life and having the integrity to be myself, regardless of the consequences. "Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it" has become a paraphrased quote-turned-mantra that I wish I lived out more consistently. Too often I water myself down, to avoid an argument or misunderstanding. I need to stop this. I'm not sure where this fear comes from, but I can see its devastating effects in my past very clearly. There are other reasons that I'm afraid of conflict, such as it makes me react to emotions rather than ideas, and that's not something I'm good at. I'm sure there are more beyond that, but I can tell the deepest reason is people are much more real to me than God is at times. I suppose that's probably normal.

And I am afraid of dating, because my experiences with dating have left me utterly confused about... just about everything relating to dating. My over-thinking leads me to doubt things and sometimes I can't really tell if I like a girl. That causes a lot of guilt and shame, and then consequently, tends to break girls' hearts when that honesty finally comes out. I am afraid of rejection, but who isn't? I realize that for a long time, I have gravitated towards girls that have shown some interest in me, because the fear of rejection was less of a threat. Instead of initiating relationships, I have responded to them, setting the stage for a losing game of emotional catch-up. I'm glad I can see that now, though it is not without deep regret for the pain I've caused. For me to like a girl, without regard or knowledge of her feelings towards me, and to initiate and pursue her, to put myself out there and express my interest... That is what needs to happen and hasn't happened for a long, long time.* I think that, unless I step up and initiate, I will always fight against the question in my head, "Is this what I really wanted?" I won't go down that path again. So, having repented of that mindset, I have to take the other fork in the proverbial road and consider initiating a relationship. Asking a girl out. And that is beset with all sorts of questions, because it's been so long since I've actually done that. It sounds so embarrassing to confess. And I can tell, it's just one of those things that you have to (excuse me, ladies) grow a pair and ask her out. There's no short-cut to building confidence in this area. There just isn't.

The lyrics to one of the most recent songs I've written are really challenging me lately:

"If you take to flight, there's nowhere you can hide. If you wait to fight, you had your chance. You will not last the night."

I've tried running from conflict, and running from my heart when it gets excited and interested in a girl. I've tried putting off conflict or putting off taking a step in terms of asking a girl out. Neither path has worked so far in my life.

So, I am at another fork in the road. Ol' Robert Frost really captured life well in that poem of his. If I cave in and refuse to face challenges, speak truth, knowingly enter necessary conflict, or express interest in a girl, I will potentially shut down something good in me for an indeterminate amount of time. Or, I can stop putting off change, embrace the awkward, risky stretching process and take the reigns of my life back and head towards love and freedom.

When I put it that way, it sounds really idiotic of me to do anything other than the second option.

Love Hopes All Things

What does it mean to love someone?

I'm talking about what Jesus meant by, "They will know you are My disciples, by the way you love each other." Is it simply being nice to each other? I know it's more than that. Everyone, regardless of their faith background, cares about those who are nice to them. Is love forgiving the inevitable offenses and pain people will cause us? I think that's part of it.

I think a part of it that I haven't been as aware of is that of hope. If I love someone, I give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope for their best. I have hope that they can and will become better than they currently are. I don't write them off. I don't check out of their lives and let someone else deal with it. Love stays. Love risks getting hurt. Love engages. Love gets messy and won't quit, because it sees beyond the circumstances. It sees hope. "Love hopes all things." I think I am learning that lately. That line from 1 Corinthians 13 stands out in a new way to me.

It is easier to disengage from people when they hurt us. We can say we forgive them, but we take back any piece of ourselves that could get hurt again. I guess I'm starting to question the value of that. I want to be marked by intentional, sacrificial love... And that means seeing the hope in the people around me, that God is working in all of our lives and bringing us closer to Him. He is pruning us, whittling away the dark pieces. And if I can see that hope, then I can stay involved in the people in my life, even if it gets a little rocky at times. And that presence, choosing to stay, when everyone else in that person's life may be checking out, is showing them how God stays with us, when everyone else abandons us. I want people to know the love of God like I have been experiencing more lately... and I think that requires me to live the way Jesus did. Jesus promised that He would never leave or forsake us. He said He won't abandon us. So I think that's an important part of what it means to love each other and show that we are His disciples. As Christians, we are imitators and mimickers of Jesus.

Love sees the hope of a bright future and sticks around, through the hard times, to see it come to pass.

Advice for the Relationship-Challenged

Anyone have any?

You thought you were going to read some pithy insight into the ins and outs of the wild world of dating. Unfortunately, not today, my friend. Unless you go to another blog after this and read something there... And if you do, please come back and post that link in a comment here... Thank you.

On the eve of turning 30 this year, I constantly find myself wrestling with my singleness. Currently, it is self-induced, since I broke up with my last girlfriend and seemingly broke her heart. Especially near the end, I was horrible at communicating the doubts I wrestled with that I didn't even realize were doubts. I just kept trying to "work at it" and assumed my doubts were failings in me that I needed to overcome. Nevertheless, I am single as I approach 30.

That's not a bad thing. I know many people have probably gotten married much later than thirty. I'm pretty sure, statistically, the average age that people get married nowadays is much closer to thirty than I realize. Knowing those things doesn't assuage the subtle fears and anxieties associated with being single at a fairly decent-sized milestone in life. And my problem is less about the specifics of being married by the time I'm 30 or anything like that. It is that, as I approach this milestone, which for so many seems a point of stability, maturity and growth, I am faced with the glaring reality that I suck at dating. Many might encourage me to "get back up on the horse", etc. but that's my problem. After falling off so many horses, getting trampled on by so many horses and breaking so many horses' hearts, a deep fear of horses has crept in...

There's a lot of fear and hopelessness in my heart, I have to confess. It's not really rooted in an incorrect and destructive self-image, but in the absence of help. No one ever instructed, encouraged, walked with me through the process of dating, back when it is normal and okay for it to be awkward and clumsy. You're supposed to figure that stuff out in junior-high and high school, not at 30, you know? And now, how do I figure that out? How do I avoid all the things that ran girls off, with words of, "You're a wonderful guy, but..."? How do I avoid all the heartache and heart-breaking? I know some people would say that's just part of the process of loving someone. I understand that, but unfortunately, when you keep trying something on your own and keep failing and being deeply hurt by it and hurting others, and there's no one to show you how to do it correctly, it's nearly impossible for that desire to stay alive. That risk seems natural and makes sense, rationally. But to ask your heart to keep risking, in the face of a long history of failed relationships and heartbreak?

I haven't gone over the edge of giving up yet. I'm just trying to be honest with myself about where my fears are coming from. I'm almost thirty and I'm afraid of dating, because it has never gone well so far. I'm not really sure where to go from here. I feel like, in the rest of my life, I am growing and learning and stepping into a life of victory, freedom and passion. It's exciting and encouraging to my spirit. And then there's this little corner called romantic relationships... the dark hole of my life.

So, how do I ... I don't even know what to ask when it comes to this. The Bible is silent on how to date. It's a cultural phenomenon that didn't exist back then. My parents did get me two books on relationships for Christmas this past year, after breaking up with my girlfriend... I think they are starting to worry! =) Most of the content in the books dealt with how to help a relationship grow and stay healthy. I seem to have issues beginning a relationship. And, thankfully, I have had a revelation of sorts, that I have consistently gotten into relationships where I sensed that there was already interest on the girls' part, so there was no threat of rejection. That was a light bulb going on, because I think that became the seed of doubt in my mind, "Is this what I really wanted?" That thought caused such guilt and confusion. But it was all rooted in being hurt and rejected so much when I was younger, that I stopped pursuing the girls I liked and just kinda waited and responded to girls that expressed interest in me... I hate to admit that, because it seems so cowardly and passive. But call it what it is. Thankfully, that's in the past and I can see that pattern in my life very clearly. God willing, I will have open eyes not to repeat those mistakes again...

So, to conclude this personal foray into my deep fears associated with dating, I will end with this. I do want to get married. I'm not totally freaked out that I'm turning 30 and still single. I am wrestling with how to overcome the deep fears and resignation. I could use some help, though I'm not sure where it will come from. It's humbling, very humbling, to admit I feel awkward, clumsy and ignorant about the basics of working up the courage to ask a girl out or what to talk about on those early dates when you're just getting to know each other. I just don't know. Time will tell, I suppose. And in the meantime, I'm going to keep pursuing a deeper experience/relationship with God and seek to keep growing as a person and becoming more like Jesus. And trust that God will help me work through all these dating fears soon... I mean, come on, I'm almost thirty, God! Times running out!

The Power of Words

I think it's safe to say we all understand, through experience, the power words can have. If we are honest, though, we would all have to admit that we are more careless with our words than we realize. Most of us have experienced the devastating effect of words spoken without thought or with malicious intent. We bear the scars under the surface and can think back to something seemingly innocuous to an outsider, but carries deep pain for us. Careless or evil words can devastate with consequences that last years beyond their speaking.

The opposite, thankfully, is also true.

I've done some things in my life that I have deep regrets about. The way we treat people, the things we've done, the words we've said can heap such a burden of guilt and shame, chaining us to a view of ourselves that is powerful, hopeless and untrue. Even if we can mentally agree that those things might not be true, we can still feel the weight of them. And I don't think I'm alone in this. An awesome post I read recently gave a good example of how we label and categorize ourselves, often very unhealthily (is that a word?). I know for myself, I have identified myself by past mistakes and regrets, rather than by the person I am today. Who I am has been over-shadowed by things I've done. This creates such an insecurity and feeling of inadequacy that is damn near unshakable.

Enter the power of kind, honest words.

I had a conversation this weekend with a good friend I used to live with. He's an awesome dad of two really cool daughters. As we were talking about these things, he said something to the effect of:

"Michael, I'd rather have my girls marry a guy who has done the things you've done, and has the character and heart that you have, than have them marry a guy who hasn't done the things you've done, but lacks the character and heart that you have."

He is a close friend that I trust and respect, who is a little further along the journey than I am. He's a good example of a lot of things to me. And he was just being honest with me as we were discussing things. I don't think he had any idea the power of what he said and its ability to heal and transform. A man I trust and respect told me that I am a good man, and that despite some of the mistakes I've made, he would hope for his daughters to marry someone like me.

I felt the chains falling off as we kept talking and driving home.

Choose your words wisely. And look for opportunities to speak true, good things to the people around you. Affirm who they are. Tell them about the good things that you see in them. We all make mistakes and fail and mess up—we don't need people around us to heap more shame on us for what we already know didn't measure up. You, whoever you are, have a great influence on the people around you, whether you realize it or not. You don't know how much someone might respect you, or for how long they have lived their lives without an honest, kind word spoken about them. Be on the lookout. We need each other. I am starting to believe more and more that there really is a devil, an evil being that is intent on stealing our joy, destroying our families and friendships and marriages, killing our desires. I know that's not a politically correct or intellectually applauded concept, but there is more evil in this world than what we fallen humans are committing... And, in some way, when we speak evil of each other, with impatience, frustration or apathy, we are giving the devil ammunition to use, to scar and imprison each other. Let's stop using our words so carelessly and start watching for ways to speak life and healing and confidence into each other's lives. I have deeply experienced the power and freedom that words said in love can bring. I'm floored by how one sentence can begin to undo and unravel years of self-contempt and resignation. And when we speak those truths to each other, we are speaking the words of Jesus to each other. We become the hands and feet and mouth of God to personally communicate to each other the things God sees in us.

I hope God communicates with you today of how special you are to Him. It might be in a conversation or in the words of a book or some other way. And as you feel and know God wants to rescue you and restore you, because of His great love for you and His desire for you to be all that you've been created to be, you seek to communicate to the people around you that they have that same worth and value.

Emotional Healing

This article was really good.

It's got me asking some questions... How do we heal from the emotional wounds we've experienced over the course of our lives? Can we heal ourselves through self-help books and positive thinking or something? I tend to lean towards the fact we don't really have that ability, otherwise, I think there'd be a lot more whole, mended people walking around. I mostly see people limping along, doing their best to make it by. They've gotten good at keeping their pain in the dark corners and avoiding situations that might expose the scars and pain. I can see it others, because I know it in my own heart...

So how do we receive healing? It seems like healing is not something we do for ourselves, but something we receive from someone who has the ability to fix what's been broken, to find what's been lost. There are deep emotional scars that are still influencing the way I live on a daily basis. Whether it is avoiding conflict or insecurity over what I look like, I know that there is deep healing that needs to take place. And I also know that Jesus came for just that: to bind up the broken-hearted, to set the captives free, to seek and to save that which was lost.

Maybe healing starts with surrendering our pride and self-reliance, and being humble, bold and honest in our response to Jesus, who is asking us the same question He asked a blind man, in the book of Mark, chapter 10:

"What do you want me to do for you?"

Jesus, I want my heart to be fixed, healed, comforted, restored, strengthened...

When We Don't Feel Like Worshipping

I just read this awesome post on the Circle of Hope's site. Check it out - very convicting.

As one of the "worship leaders" at Horizon Church, it's really easy to spend so much energy on getting the music down, since I don't consider myself an extremely talented musician. I don't want my weaknesses to cause any distraction from what worship is supposed to be about... but if I am focused on that—I'm already forgetting what worship is about!

Worship is acknowledging the greatness of who God is and adoring Him for it.

Anyway, it was a great post—it's worth your time.

God Delights In You

"...the utter delight of a loving God who is deeply touched that, in the brouhaha of your busy life, you would devote even five minutes to spiritual reading."

- Brennan Manning, the furious longing of God

What is your reaction to this statement?

I'll be honest, my first reaction was disbelief and a little shock. That seems arrogant on our part. Our 'busy life'? That makes God seem needy, as if we are doing Him a favor by spending time with Him.

I mean, He's the God of the universe, isn't He? He deserves my every second, every moment, every emotion, every energy. He deserves my entire being, right? So anything less is sinful and pale, compared to how completely He is worthy of everything I have and am. Right? God expects 100%, doesn't He? And if He does, how could I even suggest that God is somehow happy with the crumbs I throw Him?

What if that is partially true, but that God wants us to love Him? What if, God has humbled Himself and doesn't force Himself on us at all. What if He has made Himself very vulnerable? What if He waits, patiently, expectantly, longing for time with us, like a love-sick companion, glued to the phone, waiting to hear from us? To communicate with us? To hear how we are doing? To share secrets and lean on Him? Not that He needs us, or is incomplete without us, but that He knows us and genuinely enjoys the person we are? What if He likes us?

Sometimes I think we've sterilized the world "love" in our version of Christianity. Most people, I imagine, when they hear that God loves them, aren't really affected much. "God is Love." That's what God's supposed to do. He loves us and so He sent His son to die for our sins. While that is critically true, I do think it is hard to relate to. Not many of us have had someone die in our place, nor have we laid down our physical life for someone else (if you did, you aren't ready this blog anymore...). Does that make sense? We understand the depth of that kind of sacrifice of love, but we don't associate with that or experience that on a daily basis. We are more familiar with the "honest, well-timed smile from a friend" or a long embrace. We feel loved with a touch here, or a conversation there. A gift, or an act of service done for us. And I think we need to be reminded that it is God who designed us to experience love in these ways and that He desires to show us love in the same way. I understand it will be different, because God is spirit... But how creative He is! If only we would believe that is His intention for us, we would have open eyes, like excited children, watching the world around us for His words to us, His favor and delight in us. Of course, Christ's death on the cross for us is the foundation, culmination and ultimate demostration of God's settled love for us. That creates the bedrock upon which our faith can rest, when our emotions are all over the place, life gets cloudy and painful and we don't feel loved. Knowing that, how much more does God desire to express love to us in personal, intimate ways, because we are uniquely special to Him? If God did not spare His Son, how much more will He give those good gifts of personal care and attention and love to us in our daily lives, if we would just have open eyes/hearts to it?

I have only read a small portion of this book so far, but I'm really enjoying it so far...

What Does the World Need?

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

This is such a great quote. I wonder what it would look like if we felt that freedom. Too often we operate out of the ought to rather than the want to. Sadly, this translates over into Christianity, too, only with a deceptively misleading motivation of "surrender" and "denying ourselves". Let me explain what I mean. I know Jesus did say, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." I think we need to look into that more, because a mere surface-level evaluation of that does not do it justice and is slightly illogical. We simply can't "deny" ourselves the basically necessities of life. If we deny ourselves food and water, we will die. And if we're dead, we can't take up our cross and follow Jesus. So to be wise, faithful students of God's word, we have dig deeper and ask what that phrase really means and/or how to live it. I don't know Greek or anything like that, so I can only make observations. I don't think it means that what we want is bad and evil and needs to be denied. It may seem trivial, but I think it is very important to note that distinction. Otherwise, as Christians, we can read Thurman's quote and dismiss it as a neat pearl of worldly wisdom or an unreasonable ideal. And we do that, we imprison ourselves in a castle of duty and obligation, sucking the life out of the gospel and making our testimony impotent. There is no life or joy or hope in that place. So we need to find the balance of willing surrender—acknowledging our limitations and operating out of trust in our King—and stepping into the fullness of the person God has created us to be.

He delights in us and He created us uniquely for His purposes, to be productive and creative and loving. We are quirky and awkward and beautiful and we make the heart of God smile. That is good news to a culture so bent on false identities, insecurity, posturing and peer validation. God loves and accepts and likes us as we are. So as we let that reality sink in, and receive that attentive, life-giving love from God, our light will shine and the people around us will see a freedom that is foreign to them.

So what makes you come alive? The desires you have were given by God. You and I have the potential to contribute to this world and His kingdom in a unique way. We have a role in this Story that no one else can fill. I don't know all the people you know, so I'll never be able to affect them the way you can. And with God's Spirit making His home in our hearts, with Christ living His life in us, we can walk with Him in freedom and and our lives will be full of true life, not duty or obligation.

What makes you come alive?

Perseverance and Salvation

Hebrews 3:12-14 has got me thinking. I don't understand this section of scripture...

While I was at Cedarville, I studied the whole concept of "eternal security" in depth with a friend. The idea of "once saved, always saved" was taught to me in the Baptist church, while my friend was taught the opposite in her Nazarene church. So, after a couple of months of really digging through the Bible, checking with commentaries, comparing verses and trying to get a holistic picture of salvation, we realized it was an enormous under-taking! Salvation as described in the Bible is not a black-and-white, simple concept... As we studied it, it became apparent that so many aspects of salvation that we were considering deserved studies of their own... But I digress. Despite uncovering the need for way more searching into various words and concepts that pertain to salvation (sin, grace, faith, righteousness, justification, sanctification, calling, election, etc.), I really came to a solid conclusion, on my own, that our salvation IS eternally secure. What I mean by that is that God is the author of our salvation and that it is a gift of grace from Him. He saves us. He gives that to us. Once we receive it, which takes God-given faith, we can't lose it through anything we do, since it wasn't earned based on anything we've done in the first place. There's way more to it than that, of course, and I don't know where those notes are! There were some tricky passages though, and most of them were found in Hebrews. Specifically, chapters 3 and 6.

So, we've started studying the book of Hebrews in our small group at church. Not an easy under-taking! We read chapter 3 this week and it churned up all these thoughts...

I do believe that our salvation is eternally secure, in that, it is solely rooted in God's grace and kindness and mercy towards us—we simply are receiving it. That makes sense in my mind and I don't have a lot of fuzziness there. However, it begs the question of what to do with these passages and verses, such as "For we have come to share in Christ, if indeed we hold our original confidence firm to the end." IF? So we lose our share in Christ if we lose our confidence in this faith? I don't understand this...

The best I can guess is that our salvation is a present tense thing. What I mean by that is... God is a God of the present (as He references Himself in the Old Testament to Moses as "I am that I am"). And this makes me think of salvation in the present. I don't know if this is making sense, but I'm trying to remain coherent. This is how I'm thinking about salvation these days—less about what theological facts we believe, and more about what we know of God. And I mean really know about God. Jesus said, "This is eternal life: that you know Me." Not just knowing about God, but knowing Him and being affected by Him. I'm convinced, due to life experience and an amazing Intro to Philosophy class at Cedarville University I took awhile back, that what we do in our lives is a direct result of what we truly believe. Stick with me. I can say God is the most important Person in my life and I live for Him alone, but if I am kinda hesitant to say I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, because it might make a situation awkward, then more true than my belief in God is my belief that validation from my peers is paramount. Nothing I say I believe can outweigh my actions. I believe this is what James is referring to when he said faith without works is dead. It's illogical and irrational. If I trust someone, I confide in them and make myself vulnerable to them. If I don't trust them, no matter what I say or how friendly I may treat them, I am not going to be vulnerable. (So, right now, you might be wondering... how does this relate to salvation being a "present-tense" thing? I'm trying to make that segway... This brain of mine, sometimes I don't know...)

Salvation is not about saying a prayer. That is one of the gravest failings of the modern evangelical world that I see. We've created this environment where someone can feel guilty or afraid of hell or whatever and they say a prayer and think they have fire-insurance. We, as a stereotype, have fallen victim to seeking converts, rather than making disciples. And unfortunately, this has really given the "eternal security" issue way more controversy than it should really warrant. Faith, as God describes it, will produce fruit and works. And that's where it ties back in to what I was typing earlier, about our truest beliefs. If we truly believe in the amazing mercy that God has shown us, and His Spirit has made us alive and new on the inside, the depth of gratitude and surrender will transform us and begin in us something lasting. And we will begin the lifelong journey of being God's children—followers, students, disciples of Jesus Christ. God will be our love and we will want to be close to Him and be with Him for eternity and shun anything and everything that might threaten to distract us from our intimacy with Him. That's where the idea of "once saved, always saved" starts to lose relevance. If you said a prayer when you were six, and now cannot say with integrity (based on how you are actually living) that you love God and are daily communing with Him and receiving His love and seeking to share that love with others, then maybe you weren't ever saved? Let me make this clear—I can't judge anyone's heart at all. That's crucial to me. I'm not saying if you "got saved" at a young age that it didn't count or that your salvation is based on a certain output of behaviors. It truly is a journey and there are seasons of darkness and wondering and doubts. But, for myself, I can't reconcile these thoughts... Going to heaven means being with the God who sacrificed His Son for me and anything beyond that is just a bonus. So, if, by the way I'm living, I don't actually want to be close to God, evidenced by avoiding sin and anything that would cause a rift in our friendship, how could I cling to some prayer that I said years ago simply to avoid hell...?

I don't know if that was coherent. I am learning that true faith produces fruit. But I'm also learning that life is rarely black and white and I'm also learning that God's wisdom is far superior to my finite mind and that His mercy is probably profoundly deeper than I can dare to imagine. So I won't speculate who is or who isn't going to end up in heaven. I won't pretend to understand these passages like Hebrews 3 and 6. But I will say with as much confidence and authority as I can, based on what I've learned so far, that salvation is God's grace upon us, and that if we truly grasp that, through the quickening of God's Spirit, our lives will bear fruit of that new life and intimacy with Jesus Christ.

This post feels like it is very scatter-brained. I apologize!

Three Decades (part 2)

This post is probably going to be fairly personal. Just warning you!

Part of the heightened emotions surrounding the end of my twenties comes due to being single. I'll just be honest about that. But before you simply check out or stop reading, let me qualify where those thoughts are coming from. To my chagrin, I've definitely allowed myself, in some measure, to define myself by my "singleness" and I realize that's not healthy. At all. Our culture has done a bang-up job of insinuating that a relationship will make us happy. And I'm sure it will! But the insidious part is that the converse (...inverse?) of that has also been whispered to our hearts, "Without a relationship, you'll never be truly happy." So we attempt to be composed and confident, while beneath the surface, we live with a haunting desperation of finding someone to make us happy. And so long as we allow that mentality to make its home in our hearts, I don't think we will ever be truly happy. I know I've believed and lived with this—not consciously, of course! I would never admit to agreeing with this mentality. But, actions speak louder than words and what we DO reflects what we actually BELIEVE.

And so I have to confess my idolatry. I've made an idol out of being married. God wants what's best for us... and that's Him. He knows I want to get married and enjoy all that comes with that, but if that is more important to me than being close to the heart of God, then something has begun a dangerous shift. No marriage is perfect and no human is strong enough or faithful enough to warrant the full weight of our hope. Only God can bear that. I feel like I'm just learning this, so I can't say I've arrived. But I'm seeing how quickly my emotions can get the best of me as I let a disappointment here or a lonely thought there begin to suggest that I need to do something about this singleness. Instead of enjoying the heart of God my Father, His love for me and this gift of life, I start clawing and scheming and fretting over whether I'll ever get married. And as soon as I take my eyes of Jesus in that sense, the subtle lies and accusations start streaming in. You'll never find someone. You're awkward and inadequate. Your heart will get broken, it's not worth it. It doesn't matter what you try, you'll screw it up. Look at all the hurt you've caused girls over the years. And like a forest fire unrestrained, those thoughts will get the better of me. All because I let my source of hope shift from a faithful, loving God to the potential circumstance of being married.

In the past few days, some cracks have formed and I let some of those lies start creeping in. Thankfully, through some blunt, but encouraging, conversation, I was yanked up to the surface with the reminder to find my hope in God. Is that just Christian mumbo-jumbo? I don't think so. I don't need to neglect my desires. God knows my heart. But He also knows that He can be faithful to me in a way that no human relationship will be able to. And that's why I was created for. So, single or not, I want to learn to find peace and joy and love in God and the person He's made me to be and the life He's given me to live. He knows my heart's desire to find and share the love between a husband and a wife. Part of this whole thing is to trust God's heart, as a good Father, and put my hope in Him, rather than in my attempts at controlling and striving to find a wife, etc. There's a whole slew of character traits and fears and wounds and insecurities that I know I still need to work through, so even though I'll be thirty soon, I am taking my hands off this. That's not neglecting or ignoring the desires. I'm just simply surrendering the angst and the desperation.

We only have the present. I don't want to miss out on the things going on around me because I'm pining away for something in an uncertain future. I don't know if it's a matter of "It'll come to you when you're ready" or "When you are content with being single, then God will bring her your way" or any of that cliché cow dung, but I know that God loves us and our greatest joy and deepest need is to find our satisfaction and joy in Him, and trust that He will give us the other good gifts when the time is best. I know marriage isn't easy. I'm sure it's that much harder if we come to it with our deepest hopes riding on the marriage to make us happy. If instead, we come to it with gratitude and humility, rather than entitlement and idolatry, we will be able to enjoy and serve and forgive our spouse with so much freedom and life, because our sense of identity and our happiness is not riding on how the other person makes us feel.

Who knows! I'm not married, so I can't speak with too much authority on this, but nevertheless, it is deeply restful to back off and re-center my thoughts. The reminder to put my hope in God, not marriage, was perfectly timed. Life has so much to offer and we all have so much to give. If we buy into our culture's lie that we are second-class people so long as we are single, we will miss out on so much. I'm not pretending marriage doesn't sound wonderful, with the companionship, intimacy, sex, friendship and all that, but I won't let that deceive me into thinking that without it, life can't be full. Jesus said He came to give us abundant life... and He didn't follow that up by announcing www.kingdommatchup.com or something. Full and satisfying life is found in Him. I'm gonna start there. If marriage is down the road, I think I'll be able to appreciate it much more if I'm already coming from a place of deep contentment and fulfillment. I'll be able to give from a deep well, rather than clinging and taking...

30, you don't scare me none.

Three Decades (part 1)

I turn 30 this year. In 4 months and 3 days. That sounds weird to say it like that, as if I've been keeping a countdown. I haven't, I swear! I only listed that down to the day, because today is June 1st and my birthday is October 4th. After counting off July, August, September and October on my fingers, it was pretty easy to just add the "3 days" to the end of that. I digress...

30 is one of those big milestone years. I won't be a 20-something anymore. It was weird to progress up through the twenties. Hitting 24 and feeling the weight of entering the post-college "mid-twenties", hitting the "late-twenties" at 27 and seeing 30 crest the horizon, thinking to myself, "Where the hell did you come from?!" And now, I've got four months and three days before my twenties become a piece of nostalgia.

How do people navigate these decade markers? I wouldn't say I'm scared to turn thirty. Honestly, on the inside, I don't feel much different than when I was 20. I'm still figuring out who I am. I'm still asking a lot of the same questions, though lately they are more refined and specific... and pressing. There's an urgency to the thoughts and questions, spurred on by a deep desire not to waste this life. But aside from the intensified questions, I am surprised by how little feels different. I know our character grows and deepens, and that is often hard for us to detect those subtle changes. I know they are there. The experiences we go through are constantly shaping us, and I believe God is constantly whittling away at our false identities and walls and charades to get to our hearts and make us look like Jesus. He's promised that He won't quit on us. He won't back out when it is difficult and He won't leave us on our own to figure it out. I'm thankful for that, and I'm deeply grateful that I can see that now, on the brink of 30. I have a feeling that I will need to remember that promise when life starts to get really difficult and painful, which it inevitably will.

So, though I'm not kirking out about turning 30, those deeper questions remain and there's a cautious, budding sense of hope at this next season of life. What will my 30's bring? A sense of purpose and direction? A vision for what I want my life to look like? Marriage? Death of loved ones? A big geographical move? Getting out of debt? Beyond those specifics, though, what will make my 30's a success?...

One of the things I have learned in the latter months of my second decade and continue to be reminded of daily, is that it is truly one step at a time. It isn't bad to think, plan and dream about what the future may bring, but I am not promised that I will ever see my 30th birthday. I can borrow a lot of anxiety and fear and "what ifs" from tomorrow and tomorrow may not come. So I want to live well now. A good friend replied, in the face of questions about why Christianity seems so complex sometimes, "Love the face in front of you." So simple, yet so difficult. But so true. Love the face in front of you. Jesus said in Matthew 25, "You were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things." I'm learning to start small. I think Mother Theresa said it, "We can do no great things, only small things with great love." So if I am given another 4 months and 3 days, I really want love to be the defining characteristic of my life. I have a lot to learn.

But thankfully, I am not alone in learning it. None of us are.

Affections Towards God

"God is most glorified when he is affecting us and not just known by us."

I found the quote above from this post and it resonated with a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling lately.

How do you feel towards God? Not just what do you think, but what emotions arise in you when I mention the person of God? Is it fear or guilt? Is it hatred and resentment, from loss or suffering that a loving God should have averted? Is it warm and fuzzy feelings of love and contentment?

I know we should not base our decisions solely on emotions. Emotions are shaky ground for decision-making. However, I think we underestimate the importance and significance of our emotions and more specifically, how we feel towards God.

It isn't simply about having a warm, fuzzy feelings towards the idea of God, but actually having a relationship with God that includes our emotions, not simply our minds. I'm reminded of Jesus' response to one of the religious leaders of the time, and the question of which commandment is the greatest. Jesus said, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind". Love God. Not just obey God. Or fear God. Or trust God. Or worship God. Love God. In a human sense, we have a plethora of ideas, misconceptions and beliefs about what love is. Everything from romantic comedies to our affection for our pets, from our love/hate relationships with our siblings to the the old couple in the Notebook that made us cry, Love is hard to pin down in a word or a phrase. But, despite its ambiguity, we all know what love is and when it's missing. It touches something in us deeper than a mere feeling. It's something in our spirit/soul (the intangible part of us). And the most important thing for us as humans, in relation to God, from Jesus Himself, is to love Him. Obedience, fear, trust, worship, etc. all play an important part of that. But do we love God?

This past weekend, I visited a dear friend of mine in Florida. She's known me since my days at Cedarville University... and that's quickly becoming something of the long distant past! The weather was forecasting thunderstorms the entire weekend. My understanding of prayer in general still involves a lot of confusion and should warrant a post all its own, but it's suffice to say, I prayed that it wouldn't rain while I was down in Florida, just like Elijah prayed it wouldn't rain for 3 years. I was only asking for 4 days! I had an hour layover in Orlando, where I watched out the window as it rained cats and dogs and probably several other species of domestic animals. But I had prayed and wasn't going to lose hope yet. I got into Ft. Myers and the sun was out and it didn't rain the entire weekend but more than 10 minutes while we were driving! I flew out of Ft. Myers back to Orlando where my flight was delayed because of the torrential downpours and thunderstorms. The entire weekend and its blue skies and sun felt like God was saying "I love you, Michael" the entire time. I totally understand how faith and presuppositions could make one person say that it was just coincidence and another the hand of God. That whole argument aside, my heart felt a deep gratitude and joy towards God all weekend. It wasn't simply that God did what I wanted... It was more than that for me, though it's hard to express in words. I felt the attentive, kindness of God towards me and the things I'm learning about Him. It confirmed for me that God is a loving Father and cares about the things we care about. It's as if it's important to Him that we really know Him and how He feels about us. God didn't need to hold back the rain this weekend. And He would have been no less kind and good and loving. But in His unfathomable wisdom, He gave us sunshine in that corner of Florida for the whole weekend, parting the thunderstorms like a page out of the Exodus story. I am deeply humbled and thankful at such condescension from such a holy God towards His children...

That experience stirs me. It made God that much more personal. It seems like He's been doing that a lot more these days, as if He's trying to get through to me and draw me into something deeper than simply religion or rules. Do we love God? Can we see His hand in the things around us? Do we know His love for us deep in our spirit, more than simply believing the idea that God is loving? What emotions does God stir in us? David and the other writers of the Psalms spoke of a whole gamut of emotions, from ecstacy to despair. God ellicited a deep emotion within them, because He was real to them. I think the lack of genuine emotion in my life towards God thus far has simply been because I have grown up with the theory of God. "God so loved the world" was just a popular verse that you quoted when you were trying to get other people to believe what you believe. Lately though, I'm crashing into the reality that God personally loves us as individuals. He knows us deeply and likes who He made us to be. He sees potential in us and desperately wants for us to hold His hand and let Him refine us. His heart breaks for us when we don't understand the pain we're in and can barely get through the day. Like a loving Parent, He is guiding us, knowing just when to give and when to hold back, so that we can mature and learn to be strong and choose what is right and best and loving. And He is the most fiercely loyal Friend that we'll ever have. That kind of love brings tears to my eyes. That kind of a God affects me. And that kind of love makes me want give absolutely everything I am to Him, in trust and worship and adoration and service... and suffering if need be.

I think it's crucial that we know God, in all His holiness, grandeur, righteousness, beauty, justice, mercy and love, etc. but that knowledge needs a response. And the response He requires and desires from us?

To love Him back.

In light of who He is and all He's done, to love HIM.

A Daily Reading Excerpt

We Really Are the Sons and Daughters of God

05/17/2009

Life on the road takes us into our heart, for only when we are present in the deep sentences can God speak to them. That’s why the Story is a journey; it has to be lived, it cannot simply be talked about. When we face trials, our most common reaction is to ask God, “Why won’t you relieve us?” And when he doesn’t, we resignedly ask, “What do you want me to do?” Now we have a new question: “Where is the Romance headed?”

There is another great “revealing” in our life on the road. We run our race, we travel our journey, in the words of Hebrews, before “a great cloud of witnesses” (12:1). When we face a decision to fall back or press on, the whole universe holds its breath— angels, demons, our friends and foes, and the Trinity itself— watching with bated breath to see what we will do. We are still in the drama of Act III and the heart of God is still on trial. The question that lingers from the fall of Satan and the fall of man remains: Will anyone trust the great heart of the Father, or will we shrink back in faithless fear?

As we grow into the love of God and the freedom of our own hearts, we grow in our ability to cast our vote on behalf of God. Our acts of love and sacrifice, the little decisions to leave our false loves behind, and the great struggles of our heart reveal to the world our true identity: We really are the sons and daughters of God.

(The Sacred Romance , 154–55)

I am encouraged and challenged at the thought, "When we face a decision to fall back or press on, the whole universe holds its breath— angels, demons, our friends and foes, and the Trinity itself— watching with bated breath to see what we will do." Really gives our lives some context, doesn't it? We aren't just stumbling through life, making meaningless choices and causing insignificant consequences. It feels that way most of the time, I'll admit. But that's only because I don't have the eyes to see what's really going on.

Let's live well today. The whole host of heaven is cheering us on and we really are the dearly loved children of God...

My Sheep Hear My Voice...

In Walking With God, Eldridge cites several examples in the Bible where God speaks clearly to people. Then, he says,

"Now, if God doesn't also speak to us, why would he have given us all these stories of him speaking to others? 'Look—here are hundreds of inspiring and hopeful stories about how God spoke to his people in this and that situation. Isn't it amazing? But you can't have that. He doesn't speak like that anymore.' That makes no sense at all. Why would God give us a book of exceptions? This is how I used to relate to people, but I don't do that anymore. What good would a book of exceptions do you? That's like giving you the owner's manual for a Dodge even though you drive a Mitsubishi."

I have wrestled for a long time with the whole concept of how God communicates with humanity these days. I've had so much doubt, so many questions. I've heard so many people say things like, "God led us to..." or "God spoke to me this morning...". I couldn't figure out why God didn't speak to me that way. Did God not speak that way and people were really fooling themselves, or worse, being deceived by demons or something? Did God simply not speak to ME that way? Was it something I was doing wrong? Was I not worth speaking to? I think the church I grew up in helped perpetuate those ideas, even if it wasn't intentional. They didn't illustrate or explain how or if God speaks to us, except through the Bible. And if the Bible is the only source of communication from God, that leaves so much unsaid. What if, upon your birth, your parents wrote you a long, detailed letter about your family history and genealogy, explained what it meant to be part of a family, gave examples of the depth of their love for their children and closed the letter with the promise that you would meet them again? I have no doubt that as you grew and learned to read that you would treasure that letter. But how much more valuable would it be if they didn't leave you or forsake you? What if they stayed in your life and told you how much they loved YOU, not just their children in general? What if they expressed their joy in the unique man or woman you were becoming and walked with you through the ups and downs of life, giving you the personal attention that you desperately needed to navigate life and become all that you were meant to be? How can we have such a small view of God's personal love for us? Something in me cries desperately for that to be true. Having the Bible is great, but it feels so inadequate. It isn't personal. It is a book of stories and principles and promises. You can't have a relationship with a book. You can only have a relationship with a Person. And unless that person is unable to communicate for some reason, your relationship with that person will include two-way conversation.

So where does that leave us? Am I crazy if to believe God would speak to us if we actually believed He would? And am I willing to seem crazy to embrace that possibility and reality?

That passage I quoted above really hits me, because it just makes so much logical sense to me. It doesn't make sense to me that God would speak to people, even audibly, throughout the course of history and scripture, and then for that to stop for some unknown reason. So, I feel like I am beginning a season of new life, of new faith, that God does still speak. It probably isn't audibly, though it could be, but I believe it would be no less personal. As Christians, we believe that the Holy Spirit of God dwells in our hearts now. God has taken up residence in our hearts. Wouldn't it make sense for Him to speak to us there, deep in the center of our being? To say things that are deeply true and necessary for us to know, both about Him and about ourselves, things that are too personal and unique for the scope of scripture?

I feel like I need to break out of the framework that I've grown up with and all the preconceived ideas of how God works. Not at all that most of it is wrong or false, but I feel as though certain things have been taken for granted and I'm finding that they don't answer the deep questions of my heart. I've been taught that God is a certain way and that He does things a particular way. What if some of those things weren't quite right? What if God does speak to us? What if He is waiting to speak to us and is waiting for us to believe He can and will? What if my desire for deep personal communication with this God who loves me exists because it points to the truth of what we were created for?

I don't want to assume things that aren't true. At the same time, I don't want to simply settle for the way Christianity has been presented to me when the deep questions in my heart aren't being answered by the answers I've been given so far.

Honestly, I don't know what to expect. There have only been like 3 times in my life that I have experienced thoughts that I really think were God speaking to me... but I didn't have the clarity or confidence to distinguish if it was God or wishful thinking on my part. Something is stirring in my beliefs though, that God wants to speak to us personally. I think it is something that we have to learn to hear, because so much of our lives are so busy and distracted and noisy.

I'll keep you "posted" on what I hear! (pun intended...)

The Cross vs The Resurrection: Which is more important?!

Ha!

It seems downright silly to even ask it like that, though, as I sort through my questions about the role of Jesus' resurrection in our lives, that's how the discussion feels.

As Easter approached, I was looking for songs to play in church on Easter Sunday morning and was surprised at the lack of songs pertaining to Jesus' Resurrection. There are tons about the Cross, but significantly less about the Resurrection. Why is that? Is this a recent development, a by-product of our western version of Christianity? Is that a healthy balance? Is there nothing for me to be concerned about, i.e. are this observation and subsequent questioning a waste of time?

I don't think so.

I guess what motivates this question for me is the curiosity about the role of the Resurrection in our lives, in terms of "victorious Christian living" as some might say. The way the church in general has portrayed the Cross for me can be summed up like this:

"You are a sinner with a deceitfully wicked heart, dead in your sin and an enemy of God. But! God loves you, so He sacrificed His Son Jesus on the Cross. By doing that, His wrath towards sin and His love for us meet in perfect union on this great symbol of the lengths that God will go to rescue us. Now, you are a sinner saved by grace."

And so we hang our head, feel bad for making Jesus have to die in our place and do our best to sin less (to feel less guilty and somehow to reciprocate back to God what He gave to us). And for almost all of my Christian life, the Resurrection has been an after-thought to the gospel. Like, "Oh, P.S. In addition to the gospel, Jesus DID come back to life, FYI. That sort of proves He is God or something... Not completely sure, but I figure it's important to throw that in there, too. But anyway, back to the Cross and how much Jesus suffered for you..."

I almost feel as though we have a slightly unhealthy focus on the Cross. I say, "we", but realistically, I can only honestly speak for myself—though I've noticed similar practice and belief among other Christians I've interacted with over the years. When I focus on the Cross, I see the suffering and sacrifice of Jesus. It makes me feel bad for my sin "that held Him there". Realistically, it creates some motivation out of guilt or shame, for causing that suffering. Not necessarily a bad reaction, though it is inadequate and misleading for finding and living the abundant life that Jesus offers us. It creates a mentality that my relationship with God is defined by His mercy and my sin. I am the sinner and He is the merciful King. And, on that statement alone, I can't disagree! But I think it is inadequate. And I think the inadequacy comes as a failure on our part, the Churches part and my part to understand the amazing role of the Resurrection of Jesus. Unfortunately, I am only beginning to scratch the surface in this area, so I won't be able to wax eloquent about the spiritual wonders that will emerge once we focus on the Resurrection. I do see, though, that there is LIFE in the Resurrection. The Cross brought the necessary death. And the Resurrection, then, brings the necessary life. And I think, from my own experience, the reason why most Christians aren't that joyful or hope-filled is because we have under-appreciated the Resurrection. I'm not talking about denying or diminishing the power of the blood and cross of Jesus Christ at all. It is completely necessary and volumes of spiritual literature have been written expounding all that God has done for us through the cross. But I've started reading through the book of Acts and I'm finding that the early church preached about the Resurrection! There was something life-giving about that reality. And so I want to take the time to give the Resurrection its proper place in my theology and life. I have the sneaking suspicion that Jesus has given us a lot of spiritual blessing and freedom and life and authority for living victoriously within the Resurrection.

Honestly, it feels weird to question this. Questioning the Cross in general makes it feel like I'm in danger of heresy or beginning a cult. So that's why I want to understand Scripture and the early church. Someone spoke awhile back and made the comment that the early church writings didn't even mention the cross at all for 400 years after Jesus' death. The cross was just a normal, commonplace death for criminals. I'm not sure of the source of this, so I can't hang my hat on it—though it does make me quite curious if it's true. Again, I have no desire to diminish the role of the Cross in the gospel message, but I wonder if the gospel would feel more like good news to people if the Resurrection actually is crucial to understanding the new life we have in Christ. So that's my current quest, I suppose.

Also, let me throw it out there that I am aware that my understanding of the Cross could also need to be challenged and expanded. I can't argue with that. But I've been in the "christian bubble" since I was 10 years old and I don't think there's a lot of new perspectives on the Cross that I'm missing. So, by God's Spirit at work in me, I hope to understand the Cross in a more true way, but I'm also going to intentionally pursue understanding the Resurrection, because, after almost 20 years in Christendom, I can't really tell you much about how it impacts our lives, except for being a proof that Jesus was God. There are some vague other thoughts, too, but nothing that I've really studied and meditated on enough to where it has become something I deeply believe.

I mean, Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life"... He never said, "I am the cross and the death"... you know? =)

Resurrection: 1
Cross: 0

I kid, I kid. Don't stone me!

Friendship and Betrayal

"But there's a whole lot more to friendship than simply not committing a betrayal, wouldn't you say?" - John Eldridge, Walking With God

This hit me like a ton of bricks and in an instant, clarified and articulated what has been lacking in my Christianity for so long. Hang with me here, I know that seems like a weird jump.

I feel as though we as Christians have bought into such a narrow view of what it means to follow Jesus or to know God. We think Christianity is primarily about sinning less. We change our behaviors, attempt to break our addictions, maybe change the circles we run in. We've reduced our relationship with God to simply avoiding sin. Avoiding sin is a good thing, but it's only a start. It's only a small piece of the puzzle. And it is horribly inadequate. That's where Eldridge's quote leaps off the page for me. There is more to a friendship with God than simply not betraying Him. I don't mentally check out on my friends once I confirm they aren't stabbing me in the back... No, the fact they aren't stabbing me in the back means there is an open connection for life and conversation and laughter and comfort, etc. Those things are what make a friendship a friendship. Not simply the absence of betrayal...

So. We've gotten really good at managing our sin. We keep it under wrap most of the time, though sometimes those "besetting sins" keep getting the best of us. But, so what. Just avoiding sin is a terribly shallow spiritual experience. Call me naive, call me idealist. I want more. I want to have a friendship with God that transcends my behaviors. I want to know the close companionship of the Presence of Jesus in the day-to-day experiences of life. I want to have a relationship with God that is tangible and life-giving, and near impossible to explain to those who don't have it. Not so it seems I've "arrived spiritually" or anything, but simply so that it is so deeply real to me that it becomes hard to reduce it to words or principles or behaviors.

And the cool thing is, I think God wants this with us, too. I think that's what Jesus and others talk about in the Bible about knowing God and being one with Him. It isn't simply about not sinning, though that is necessary to keep the lines of communication open, in a sense. I believe God wants us to be close to Him and for us to walk through our day with His Presence continually in our hearts and minds.

Some Shifting

This is hard to explain and I want to search it out more, but I feel as though something deep in my soul is shifting. I am moving away from mere propositional truths to spiritual intimacy. I'm NOT suggesting that experiential knowledge is somehow more valuable than objective reality, so let me explain what I'm trying to communicate... Most of my life has been a series of statements of belief that I have been encouraged to assent to. Concepts of God's holiness, Jesus' divinity, sin and salvation, etc. They have laid the foundation for what I am realizing is the true heart of Christianity—love. Being re-united to the God of the universe, through the person of Jesus Christ, and finding all of my longings met in Him. Everything I was created for is found in Him. He does not desire me to simply agree to some facts or theories or faith presuppositions or a biblical worldview. He wants me to know Him, intimately. He wants me to be one with Him, as He is one with the Father... So many places in scripture talk about knowing God...

Matthew 7:23... Jesus speaking, "Many will say to [Jesus] on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then [Jesus] will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'"

John 8:19... Jesus speaking again, "You do not know me or my Father," Jesus replied. "If you knew me, you would know my Father also."

Philippians 3:8... Paul said, "I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord"

John 17:3... "Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."

Now, absolutely, there is more to Christianity than that phrase, "knowing God" or whatever. There is faith and obedience and worship and service and trust and love and adoration and sacrifice, etc. But I feel like I am understanding that, at the core of what Christianity—following Jesus Christ—is, the whole process of salvation and the whole theme of history and the whole work of God's redemptive plan in the world is to draw us back to Himself and restore our ability to find complete, full and utter satisfaction in the love and mercy and holiness and creativity and strength and wisdom of the God of the universe. He is a Person. He is longing for us to know Him, love Him, adore Him, trust Him and walk with Him. It isn't about rules or principles. He is not a math theory or a school principal or vending machine in the sky. God is the all-sufficient perfect sustaining Being that holds all of existence together and loves us deeply and yearns to be all that we need and want. The path to that spiritual intimacy with Him is only found through time with Him, meditating on His word, cultivating a grateful heart and eyes that see Him in the everyday details of life, in the eyes of the people around us, in the poor and lonely, in the creative and beautiful... I don't want to simply memorize rules to live by. I want to quiet myself down at the soul level and learn to experience the presence of Jesus Christ and be changed by knowing Him and being with Him. I want to pick up His mannerisms and learn what His heart beats for. I want to be changed inwardly and I want to love the people around me deeply and selflessly because of the life, peace, freedom and strength I find through God's Spirit working in me. I want to learn to enjoy being in His presence, because of who He is, not just what He does for me.

So that's kind where I feel like my heart is shifting. It is still vague and hard to describe. I have certainly not arrived (merely beginning it feels!), but I feel like my heart is being pulled down to deeper waters.